COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. We've all heard it. BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS.
There's nothing wrong with that sentiment, at all. It can work great to distract you from a problem, help provide some perspective outside of whatever negative thing had your focus. Can't fault that!
Yet... it doesn't seem to actually instill lasting good feelings. At least when I do it, it's almost like chastising. & it feels like it needs to be Big Noble Things, y'know? At least you have your health, or your family, or a roof over your head, or live in a free country.
Those are all good things. I try to not take for granted things like my magnificent husband, supportive friends, five functional senses...
...but I want to tell you about something else I've been trying. I'm tired of limiting myself to only appreciating the big things, & that sometimes only when something else is stressing me out. & this is going to sound SO SIMPLE, SO OBVIOUS, but that's part of what I like about it. Makes it an easy mindset to adopt.
Y'know that feeling you get when you buy something special for yourself? You're thinking that you deserve this treat, & you feel all satisfied, full of warm fuzzy feelings? Because that thing is super cool. & it is YOURS NOW.
Or when someone gives you a gift? It was so nice of them to think of you, & you were so thankful for that groovy thing, it really suits your tastes & you'll always remember their generosity.
Or that memento you have from that special occasion? Photographs, art, something you made, something you found...
The point is, you can probably take a look around anywhere in your home & realize there's so much special there, once you remember why you have it.
Once you've bought something nice for yourself, it's still the same nice thing years later. The thoughtfulness that someone put into a present for you can still make you feel special. Anything you liked... keep liking it!
I know I've been guilty of buying myself a new book, or a mug, or a record, or a dinosaur plushie... & then not really giving it much thought once I get it home. Gifts & trinkets, evidences of love & good times, are everywhere in my house, & I go through my days pretty much ignoring them.
So now... I just allow myself to think for an extra moment. For example, when I sit on my couch, I'm right by a large plush lion. I saw him in Target one day, when I'd walked there from our old apartment on some errand or another. He was on clearance, & I adored him immediately, but didn't give in to the temptation to purchase him for myself. But after I was home, I kept thinking about him, he was the LAST ONE, I talked to my mom & my husband about it, & they both suggested I go back & acquire him. After all of that, why shouldn't that lion still make me happy? Sooooo many things around me have some sort of story. Those stories restore the value to things. & once I've remembered the story, there are even usually things about the inherent features of the thing that I appreciate. That lion is so soft & comfy. He's perfect for my sofa. He provides just the right amount of support, without too much stiffness. But it's not about appreciating "STUFF". It's not about hoarding things. It's about recalling why you have stuff. If you're going to hang onto something & give it a place in the finite space you have, it should be a joy to you somehow. You shouldn't have to limit your thankfulness to Big Broad Things. If you have a thing for a reason, hang on to that reason, let it make you happy. Let it make you thankful for something about your life. Let it remind you of something good about yourself. It may be just a little thing, but it's there for you.
I've noticed that there are other benefits to making this a habit, too. By noticing the good books/movies/music/games I have, I actually get back to using them, which is relaxing. I feel less tempted to spend money on more things for myself when I can immediately think of so many things I already have that are still great. I'm also more able to notice what in my house doesn't really have a purpose, so I can get rid of pointless excess. Somehow, it almost makes me less attached to just the having of things; when something has been broken or lost or ruined, I've shrugged it off, because there's so much other joy in my life. It really is more about the reason than the object, & creating the habit of mindfulness & thankfulness overall.
What do you think? Do I sound crazy? What around you is still special?
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
Batman, My Hero
Fact: Batman & Sherlock Holmes are my two favorite fictional characters, & have been for a long time now.
It's currently the week of my birthday. I've already received just a few presents, & Batman was represented in that small sampling. Somehow, my love of Batman is something that stands out to people. Something they remember about me. Batman is a very common theme among gifts I receive, & I always like those gifts.
But this year, it did occur to me to reflect: why does Batman mean so much to me? Enough that year after year, I cling to him as a favorite, in such a way that is evident to so many?
Rather than press my brain for an answer right away, I let it simmer for a while, until the most concise reason that felt the most true rose to the surface: I look up to Batman.
My introduction to Batman happened when I was 11 years old. & I do very much remember looking up to Batman. He was a hero. He did what was right, even when it wasn't easy. He had been through some rough stuff, & it had an impact on him, but he made his life a good one anyway.
I think that is for me what Batman is all about, or at least what keeps him near to my heart. The tales of Batman have their very wild unrealistic aspects, but at the core stays an ideal to which we can all relate & aspire-- life is messed up sometimes, but we can react by making things better.
I didn't have The Worst Possible Childhood Ever, but I did have things that weren't great (we all did, to our own extent, I think that's just life). I had a particular circumstance that had me living in fear, & feeling very isolated within that situation. I talked to no one about it. I think maybe the hurt of that experience is part of why I so desperately wanted a hero. Batman was someone who had had things bad & still turned into someone who was always helping others. Batman gave me hope, like someday I too could turn into a functional adult, & even a good person. (He didn't talk to many people about his struggle, either, come to think of it. He had a secret pain, like I did.) In Batman, I see what is right. Batman stories were always admitting that life is hard, but worth fighting for.
So, that got me thinking... I had to wonder why no other character I had in my childhood had come close to that for me. My brain wandered into the territory of considering female characters in particular, & why I didn't see them as an inspiration, a hero, a hope. & you know what?
I can't think of a female character from my youth that had anything super serious happen in their past, or actually seemed to deal with it if they did. From what I can currently recall, the girls mostly just worry about things. Or it is mentioned that something bad happened in their past, but they do little more than acknowledge it, & maybe feel a little wistful or something (their past has more to do with how others treat them than with how they feel/act). So, as far as the painful sides of my life, it's impossible to relate to those characters. Sure, I can feel for them when they're insecure or whatever, & I could find things to appreciate in their stories. But as far as forming a meaningful bond with a character, not likely. They &/or their worlds were a bit too idealized. They don't represent something I can take to heart & live out. Things in my life had more pervasive consequences than the characters in my books seemed to face. Their trials, & their virtues, felt more like plot devices than anything that could be real. Some tales were too fantastical, some too mundane. Problems are either "everything that has ever been good in existence is in danger" or "someone teased me at school". There's a balance somewhere in there that I wish could be found more often-- struggles that could be real, could play a part in who you are, could always still hurt & yet also be healing. Male & female characters alike, I feel there's generally a lack of emotional struggle, long-lasting impact from hardships, & exploring motives beyond plain Good & Evil. I got to see Batman do a range of things, from saving the world to saving one child. I got to see Batman dwell on the hardship of his past sometimes, but also have days where he mostly just deals with what's in front of him. I got to see him make difficult choices, & they didn't always pan out in the best possible way, but he dealt with it.
Here's something I just thought of: most of the other characters I grew up with had A Best Friend or Two. Batman knows a lot of people, whom he trusts with different things & to different degrees & in different roles. Oh man, I do wish friendship wasn't always presented in such an idealized fashion in kids' media. Some of us get to have that Best Friends Forever experience... many of us don't. In that facet, Batman is so much more like what my actual life has been than any of the other stories from my youth. He has people around him that are older & younger, people from all sorts of backgrounds & people varied in their skill sets. Sometimes he agrees with them, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he isn't sure what to think. I still need to see that in fiction.
There's definitely something to be said for letting kids be kids... but I don't think we need to (or should?) keep all kids' characters safe from actual struggles. Being a kid doesn't keep you "safe". Kids are going to face things that will feel like A Big Deal to them. Some stories need to just be a simple entertaining escape, but maybe some could mean more than that? Do you think one should have to wait until one gets into "adult" material before one finds stories one can really invest in?
Disclaimer: my childhood book selection was not your childhood book selection. I will readily declare that my experience is quite limited. I am very interested in hearing about how your experience was different than mine. Just don't try to tell me that anything I'm saying is "wrong"-- it is all absolutely right, just from within my perspective, not yours. My history is this, good books with characters that didn't really mean a lot to me.
It's currently the week of my birthday. I've already received just a few presents, & Batman was represented in that small sampling. Somehow, my love of Batman is something that stands out to people. Something they remember about me. Batman is a very common theme among gifts I receive, & I always like those gifts.
But this year, it did occur to me to reflect: why does Batman mean so much to me? Enough that year after year, I cling to him as a favorite, in such a way that is evident to so many?
Rather than press my brain for an answer right away, I let it simmer for a while, until the most concise reason that felt the most true rose to the surface: I look up to Batman.
My introduction to Batman happened when I was 11 years old. & I do very much remember looking up to Batman. He was a hero. He did what was right, even when it wasn't easy. He had been through some rough stuff, & it had an impact on him, but he made his life a good one anyway.
I think that is for me what Batman is all about, or at least what keeps him near to my heart. The tales of Batman have their very wild unrealistic aspects, but at the core stays an ideal to which we can all relate & aspire-- life is messed up sometimes, but we can react by making things better.
I didn't have The Worst Possible Childhood Ever, but I did have things that weren't great (we all did, to our own extent, I think that's just life). I had a particular circumstance that had me living in fear, & feeling very isolated within that situation. I talked to no one about it. I think maybe the hurt of that experience is part of why I so desperately wanted a hero. Batman was someone who had had things bad & still turned into someone who was always helping others. Batman gave me hope, like someday I too could turn into a functional adult, & even a good person. (He didn't talk to many people about his struggle, either, come to think of it. He had a secret pain, like I did.) In Batman, I see what is right. Batman stories were always admitting that life is hard, but worth fighting for.
So, that got me thinking... I had to wonder why no other character I had in my childhood had come close to that for me. My brain wandered into the territory of considering female characters in particular, & why I didn't see them as an inspiration, a hero, a hope. & you know what?
I can't think of a female character from my youth that had anything super serious happen in their past, or actually seemed to deal with it if they did. From what I can currently recall, the girls mostly just worry about things. Or it is mentioned that something bad happened in their past, but they do little more than acknowledge it, & maybe feel a little wistful or something (their past has more to do with how others treat them than with how they feel/act). So, as far as the painful sides of my life, it's impossible to relate to those characters. Sure, I can feel for them when they're insecure or whatever, & I could find things to appreciate in their stories. But as far as forming a meaningful bond with a character, not likely. They &/or their worlds were a bit too idealized. They don't represent something I can take to heart & live out. Things in my life had more pervasive consequences than the characters in my books seemed to face. Their trials, & their virtues, felt more like plot devices than anything that could be real. Some tales were too fantastical, some too mundane. Problems are either "everything that has ever been good in existence is in danger" or "someone teased me at school". There's a balance somewhere in there that I wish could be found more often-- struggles that could be real, could play a part in who you are, could always still hurt & yet also be healing. Male & female characters alike, I feel there's generally a lack of emotional struggle, long-lasting impact from hardships, & exploring motives beyond plain Good & Evil. I got to see Batman do a range of things, from saving the world to saving one child. I got to see Batman dwell on the hardship of his past sometimes, but also have days where he mostly just deals with what's in front of him. I got to see him make difficult choices, & they didn't always pan out in the best possible way, but he dealt with it.
Here's something I just thought of: most of the other characters I grew up with had A Best Friend or Two. Batman knows a lot of people, whom he trusts with different things & to different degrees & in different roles. Oh man, I do wish friendship wasn't always presented in such an idealized fashion in kids' media. Some of us get to have that Best Friends Forever experience... many of us don't. In that facet, Batman is so much more like what my actual life has been than any of the other stories from my youth. He has people around him that are older & younger, people from all sorts of backgrounds & people varied in their skill sets. Sometimes he agrees with them, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he isn't sure what to think. I still need to see that in fiction.
There's definitely something to be said for letting kids be kids... but I don't think we need to (or should?) keep all kids' characters safe from actual struggles. Being a kid doesn't keep you "safe". Kids are going to face things that will feel like A Big Deal to them. Some stories need to just be a simple entertaining escape, but maybe some could mean more than that? Do you think one should have to wait until one gets into "adult" material before one finds stories one can really invest in?
Disclaimer: my childhood book selection was not your childhood book selection. I will readily declare that my experience is quite limited. I am very interested in hearing about how your experience was different than mine. Just don't try to tell me that anything I'm saying is "wrong"-- it is all absolutely right, just from within my perspective, not yours. My history is this, good books with characters that didn't really mean a lot to me.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Gift Ideas!
I have an Amazon wishlist that goes on for miles (so convenient!), but DID YOU KNOW I know great people who you could support by buying things? Giving me a gift + supporting someone I love = generosity squared.
Disclaimer: if you're just happening upon this post, I want you to know that it is not intended as "you should buy me things, I love things"-- it's to be a resource for when people ask me what I want for my birthday (&/or Christmas or whatever). But, you should read it anyway, & maybe you'll find something you'd like to get for yourself or someone you like, & that'd be super cool.
------------
My friend Jen sews things! I really want one of her hobo bags. But also an infinite amount of zipper pouches, they are good for everything! My favorite fandoms that she utilizes fairly consistently would be Nintendo, Batman, Star Wars, Star Trek, TMNT, My Little Pony, & Doctor Who.
Knitting remains my favorite hobby, I can always use things for that. Heather is a groovy gal, dying yarn & making stitch markers! My favorite of the colorways: Icicle, Snow Owl, Mint n' Chip, Napoleon, Rocky Road, & You Go Joe.
Speaking of knitting goods, Tabitha has started selling stitch markers & project bags, they are beautiful!
I always love art. Things for my home in general, & always always art particularly. Megan does great prints, she has a great style of lettering + artsy details that make it pretty without cluttering.
------------
Disclaimer: if you're just happening upon this post, I want you to know that it is not intended as "you should buy me things, I love things"-- it's to be a resource for when people ask me what I want for my birthday (&/or Christmas or whatever). But, you should read it anyway, & maybe you'll find something you'd like to get for yourself or someone you like, & that'd be super cool.
------------
My friend Jen sews things! I really want one of her hobo bags. But also an infinite amount of zipper pouches, they are good for everything! My favorite fandoms that she utilizes fairly consistently would be Nintendo, Batman, Star Wars, Star Trek, TMNT, My Little Pony, & Doctor Who.
Knitting remains my favorite hobby, I can always use things for that. Heather is a groovy gal, dying yarn & making stitch markers! My favorite of the colorways: Icicle, Snow Owl, Mint n' Chip, Napoleon, Rocky Road, & You Go Joe.
Speaking of knitting goods, Tabitha has started selling stitch markers & project bags, they are beautiful!
I always love art. Things for my home in general, & always always art particularly. Megan does great prints, she has a great style of lettering + artsy details that make it pretty without cluttering.
------------
I will update this post when I remember more! :-D
Friday, January 22, 2016
An Open Letter to Letters
Ugh. See? There it is already. The feelings of guilt.
I've been trying to notice whenever I feel like I don't want to do something, or when I feel like I'm bad at something, so that I can analyze what could make it better. I can change my expectations, I can change my habits, I can change my process, once I take the time to figure out what's really going on instead of just pushing through & doing things the same old way. It's been a pretty rewarding way to look at things!
My latest realization is... I think I need to let go of my desire to be A Great Letter Writer. A Beautiful Card Sender. You Know, That One with All the Stickers & Pretty Things that Makes Your Day when Found in Your Mailbox. I've carried this ambition for yeeeeeaaaaars, even before IGGPPC. That community just made it so much better/worse! *so many feels*
I LOVE snail mail & all it can mean, all the love it can carry. But I've pushed myself into a spot where I feel more frustrated about sending mail than excited. I still want to love the people, but I now dread the time it takes, & the little frustrations that I always seem to have. I lose things (letters awaiting reply, letters in progress, pens that actually work, addresses, stamps-- all the things), even though I have a whole desk devoted to keeping it all organized. I get impatient with myself trying to find the right way to say something, or I read what I wrote & it seems boring, trite, self-absorbed, not at all what I meant. I try to let that go, & to know that the recipient will probably like anything I send, but it's tiring to never feel satisfied about it myself. It has become a thing where it doesn't feel worth the effort... so maybe it isn't. Maybe I can come back to it, but I think I need to step back at least until I no longer dread the whole process.
What I want to do is try emailing people in place of sending a letter or card. Because actually communicating, even in a lesser form, is better than not doing anything & feeling bad about it. I'd rather invest in a friendship a little at a time, in not-extraordinarily-special ways, than let my chances slip away entirely. I love to text! I love twitter interactions! I even dig facebook messaging! I'd LOVE to be a better friend by using things I already enjoy doing, things that are better suited to my life right now.
If you're reading this & have sent me mail... I'm sorry if I haven't sent some back. I PROMISE I meant to, & that I liked what you sent me! (If you sent a postcard, it's probably on display somewhere in my home, I'm not gonna lie.) I hope you can accept that it's not you, it's me. People are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, & I'm just bad at things sometimes, but YOU ARE AMAZING. (If you ever feel slighted by me in any way, I can almost promise you that it's not anything personal, it's totally a failure on my part. PLEASE feel like you can communicate with me if I hurt your feelings or something.)
I know that personally, I feel loved just knowing someone thought of me. If you receive a letter, you can know someone thought of you... but... someone also thinks of you if they tweet at you, email you, direct message you, comment on your blog, text you... & sometimes a simpler format of communication can ameliorate conversation. I'm not going to downplay letters, but there is something to be said for the ease & speed of other ways in other circumstances. So that's what I'm going to be trying for a while. I hereby officially forgive myself of any perceived snail mail debts, & will try harder to let people know when I'm thinking of them, in whatever way seems best without stressing myself out about it.
Love,
...no really, where ARE my postage stamps...
I've been trying to notice whenever I feel like I don't want to do something, or when I feel like I'm bad at something, so that I can analyze what could make it better. I can change my expectations, I can change my habits, I can change my process, once I take the time to figure out what's really going on instead of just pushing through & doing things the same old way. It's been a pretty rewarding way to look at things!
My latest realization is... I think I need to let go of my desire to be A Great Letter Writer. A Beautiful Card Sender. You Know, That One with All the Stickers & Pretty Things that Makes Your Day when Found in Your Mailbox. I've carried this ambition for yeeeeeaaaaars, even before IGGPPC. That community just made it so much better/worse! *so many feels*
I LOVE snail mail & all it can mean, all the love it can carry. But I've pushed myself into a spot where I feel more frustrated about sending mail than excited. I still want to love the people, but I now dread the time it takes, & the little frustrations that I always seem to have. I lose things (letters awaiting reply, letters in progress, pens that actually work, addresses, stamps-- all the things), even though I have a whole desk devoted to keeping it all organized. I get impatient with myself trying to find the right way to say something, or I read what I wrote & it seems boring, trite, self-absorbed, not at all what I meant. I try to let that go, & to know that the recipient will probably like anything I send, but it's tiring to never feel satisfied about it myself. It has become a thing where it doesn't feel worth the effort... so maybe it isn't. Maybe I can come back to it, but I think I need to step back at least until I no longer dread the whole process.
What I want to do is try emailing people in place of sending a letter or card. Because actually communicating, even in a lesser form, is better than not doing anything & feeling bad about it. I'd rather invest in a friendship a little at a time, in not-extraordinarily-special ways, than let my chances slip away entirely. I love to text! I love twitter interactions! I even dig facebook messaging! I'd LOVE to be a better friend by using things I already enjoy doing, things that are better suited to my life right now.
If you're reading this & have sent me mail... I'm sorry if I haven't sent some back. I PROMISE I meant to, & that I liked what you sent me! (If you sent a postcard, it's probably on display somewhere in my home, I'm not gonna lie.) I hope you can accept that it's not you, it's me. People are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, & I'm just bad at things sometimes, but YOU ARE AMAZING. (If you ever feel slighted by me in any way, I can almost promise you that it's not anything personal, it's totally a failure on my part. PLEASE feel like you can communicate with me if I hurt your feelings or something.)
I know that personally, I feel loved just knowing someone thought of me. If you receive a letter, you can know someone thought of you... but... someone also thinks of you if they tweet at you, email you, direct message you, comment on your blog, text you... & sometimes a simpler format of communication can ameliorate conversation. I'm not going to downplay letters, but there is something to be said for the ease & speed of other ways in other circumstances. So that's what I'm going to be trying for a while. I hereby officially forgive myself of any perceived snail mail debts, & will try harder to let people know when I'm thinking of them, in whatever way seems best without stressing myself out about it.
Love,
...no really, where ARE my postage stamps...
Friday, January 01, 2016
New Year, New New Year Post
I usually make a post at the beginning of a year, so uh, I guess I'll do that now!
Last year, I talked about how my goals mostly revolved around recent commitments made, & wanting to deepen/strengthen in areas in my life instead of planning on starting anything new. Overall, I kept that in mind, though some things didn't go as planned... I ended up stepping down from a couple of things, & shifting focus in others. But that's good. I think overall I'm pleased with how I adapted to changes, & how I let things go instead of holding on too long.
I've learned some things about myself & how others see me, so I'm working on using the information to improve myself & my interactions with others. More deliberately being forgiving of myself, but also resolving to be more deliberate about my actions toward others.
I plan to put more careful thought into what I want vs what I need. I plan to keep things pretty simple, as far as I'm concerned. Life is complicated enough.
There are lots of things that are GOOD, but aren't really good for me, & I need to let that be totally okay. I can admire people who do planners &/or bullet journals, while understanding that's not what my life needs. I can love the concept of podcasts, I can love people who make podcasts, but I can accept that I just don't listen to podcasts. Etc.
However, I do plan to try a new thing! I plan to... draw? I've always wanted to have even just a little bit of drawing ability, so I'm going to just straight up START DRAWING. Here's the first installment! It's not nearly as bad as I'd expected from myself, & I'm really proud of even just the fact that I tried, that I put it out to be seen, & that I am saying that I'll do more. I've practically never before drawn anything ever. So uh, yeah, feel free to suggest things for me to draw, & I'll probably attempt them, & they'll probably look TERRIBLE, & I'll probably be excited about it anyway!
Last year, I talked about how my goals mostly revolved around recent commitments made, & wanting to deepen/strengthen in areas in my life instead of planning on starting anything new. Overall, I kept that in mind, though some things didn't go as planned... I ended up stepping down from a couple of things, & shifting focus in others. But that's good. I think overall I'm pleased with how I adapted to changes, & how I let things go instead of holding on too long.
I've learned some things about myself & how others see me, so I'm working on using the information to improve myself & my interactions with others. More deliberately being forgiving of myself, but also resolving to be more deliberate about my actions toward others.
I plan to put more careful thought into what I want vs what I need. I plan to keep things pretty simple, as far as I'm concerned. Life is complicated enough.
There are lots of things that are GOOD, but aren't really good for me, & I need to let that be totally okay. I can admire people who do planners &/or bullet journals, while understanding that's not what my life needs. I can love the concept of podcasts, I can love people who make podcasts, but I can accept that I just don't listen to podcasts. Etc.
However, I do plan to try a new thing! I plan to... draw? I've always wanted to have even just a little bit of drawing ability, so I'm going to just straight up START DRAWING. Here's the first installment! It's not nearly as bad as I'd expected from myself, & I'm really proud of even just the fact that I tried, that I put it out to be seen, & that I am saying that I'll do more. I've practically never before drawn anything ever. So uh, yeah, feel free to suggest things for me to draw, & I'll probably attempt them, & they'll probably look TERRIBLE, & I'll probably be excited about it anyway!
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Why I MBTI
Prelude: it is NOT my goal to make everyone interested in personality types. I know plenty of people who couldn't care less about MBTI, & honestly that is totally cool. Those people are usually adaptable, secure in their interactions with others, & pretty well grounded in a reasonable worldview. If that's how you feel, you can totally ignore this whole post, & I'll dance in your honor to Gonna Fly Now.
On the other hand, I also encounter people who just don't know much about MBTI. Why would it matter? How reliable can it possibly be? How can you ever try to claim that anyone's personality can be described in four little letters?
It's mostly for those folk that I am creating this post.
First of all... I don't think MBTI really does capture your personality. Just a teeny tiny part. To me, "personality" means a whole lot more, including your opinions, fears, hopes, dreams, interests, background, skills, sense of humor... the way you move, talk, dress, laugh... your handwriting, your expressions, how you organize your books, how you spend your money, how you feel about long car rides, & so much more. Whenever anyone tries to apply MBTI to any of that, whenever anyone tries to make broad generalizations about any personality type outside of the strict definitions of what the typing actually means, I proceed with extreme caution or ignore them completely. MBTI should never feel like a little tiny box that contains everything about who you are. You get just four simple letters, & each is just expressing one preference of how your brain works.
It's kind of like saying I'm a woman. You can't really just proclaim something like "being a woman means you're a good cook"-- women can be terrible at preparing food. You could say that "in many societal backgrounds, women are more likely than men to be better cooks, due to spending more time in the house cooking, while the men were out plowing" or whatever. A particular personality type may be more prone to something than another type, but unless it's exactly directly connected to the literal specific things it is actually describing, many grains of salt should be taken.
Let's be real here. MBTI can be a bit misleading. It's super easy to get confused about the terms it uses. What should be a truly simple tool becomes easy to misinterpret, & therefor dismiss.
You've got Introversion & Extroversion. These terms are getting more popular these days, & all sorts of memes & comics & things can be found to explain the definitions, but they're still widely misunderstood. Intuition/Sensing? Thinking/Feeling? Judging/Perceiving? I mean, we all do each of those things, right? Of course right. There's a clue for you right there that it's about where we each fall on a spectrum, not about little boxes to contain the entire definitions of ourselves. It's taken me much time reading many things from all sorts of sources to really start grasping what they really mean, & I admit I still don't know much about the "functions". But for me, it's not about all of the technical breakdown, & for my own purposes, I don't need much information beyond the basics. I don't need a prediction of how each type would react in any given circumstance, just an overview of what a type generally is like.
Above all, MBTI to me is about a broader understanding of how people are different from each other. That's really all I need it to be, & as simple as that may be, it is so important to me.
I spent much of my youth feeling like I was "wrong", & struggling to be "right". I want to be able to provide concrete examples of what I mean, but the feeling was so pervasive I'm having some trouble nailing down what I want to express...
One example might be how hard I've always struggled with having to figure something out on my own. I've been treated with disgust & scorn for asking how to do things.
I've shed many tears over how I like people but can't seem to stand to be around them for long. If I truly loved them, couldn't I spend all my time with them? How were others still lively & excitable when I was exhausted?
My idea of politeness & showing interest was always to not interrupt people, yet everyone else seemed to talk over each other all the time, & love it.
It seemed like everything that came natural to me was looked on as boring or pointless, & how other people thrived looked terrifying & stressful to me. (For a while, I thought it was because I wasn't "feminine" enough, but upon reflection I didn't really want to be feminine if it meant being like most of the other girls I knew, so that wasn't helpful.)
I was 22 or 23 when I first stumbled on a free online MBTI test. (I had actually taken one from a library book when I was 16; right after graduation I got like a dozen books from the library that were supposed to be helpful in determining what sort of career one might be best pursuing, & one of them used MBTI. But it didn't really resonate with me at that point.) I've long been a sucker for online personality test/quiz/things, it's a guilty pleasure. Want to tell me what 80s rock ballad best suits my life? I'm there. So anyway, it had a whole bunch of questions, each question was a scale, I was a newlywed killing time in our itty bitty apartment, clicking over a hundred little bubbles analyzing my own brain was a lot of fun. It said I fell into a category called ISTJ. The Inspector. It praised my attention to detail, my loyalty, my work ethic... it lamented how stressful it is for me to be spontaneous, & how I have such trouble connecting emotionally to anyone... It struck me as accurate, & it felt like for the first time in my life, it was okay to be who I was, with my inherent strengths & weaknesses. I don't mean to make it sound like The Most Pivotal Moment of My Life or anything, but it was the beginning of truly liking myself on a large scale, instead of judging myself by how well I could act like the person I felt like other people most wanted me to be. Maybe no one will ever say "Val, I really appreciate how exact you are", but I could learn to value it about myself. Turns out, I wasn't Worse at Everything than Everyone like I'd thought-- I just have really boring skills. Maybe that sounds silly. I'm not sure how to put it better. I believe that some types are better at things that are more evident, more appreciated in general, more fun, more interesting, more useful in dealing with people & therefor more likable. People who can make small talk, people who are expressive & sympathetic, people who will laugh at jokes instead of being confused because they took it too literally. All of the people are important & valuable.
Many factors, both MBTI stuff & other aspects of one's personality, are going to impact how you react to things (& people). Like when I've been demeaned for wanting step-by-step directions for something I'd never done before, it was because the person telling me to do it values different things than I do-- like Independence, Ingenuity, & Not Asking Inane Questions. If I'd been in those situations with someone who valued things like Precision, Getting It Right the First Time, & Oh So Much Knowledge, my asking for directions would have been seen as quite valuable indeed. It's just about perspective. I don't know how I ended up surrounded by so many people who value such different things than I do, but that's how I've come to see it, & it has saved my self-esteem & my relationships with many of these people. Now I can accept who I am, properly applying my strengths where they can be most useful, & tending carefully to my weaknesses. Instead of forcing myself to try to do what other people want, I can do what suits me. So sometimes, I can in fact in praised for what I'm doing right, instead of putting way too much effort into something someone else could do better without even trying. It's so much more efficient. & of course I am still trying to improve in areas like Expressing Appropriate Amounts of Emotion, Adapting to Change, Making Small Talk, etc! I'm just taking much better care of myself about it, not freaking out that Everyone Else Does It Better. I can love all people better than I could before, because they aren't Better or Worse than me, they just have different priorities & different skills. I'm learning that I don't have to be friends with everyone, or be friends the way that they do friendship-- if the way I express fondness & interest aren't the ways they value, that's okay! I can try my best, I can stretch myself, but if we never 'click' I'm not a failure. I'm finding people who do understand the ways I behave & value the same things about me that I value, which is so very fantastic. There will always be people out there who are good at the things I'm not, & there will always be a need for people like me.
I think that SO MANY of the problems people have with each other could be worked out better/easier if people would have more understanding just how different each person is, & how valuable the differences can be. That's what MBTI reminds me.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Four Things
I'm doing this because Kayly did it, & she is cool. (In addition to her blog, check out her instagram & twitter!)
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Four Places I Want to Visit:
-Texas
-Basically the whole UK
-Toronto
-...I'm not really the sort to travel for the sake of travel. I don't enjoy the inherent travel experience enough for that. New places can be amazing & beautiful, but after a not-very-long time, I just want my familiar places back. Like, I'm currently house-sitting for my parents, & it's practically a vacation, but I miss my home. My jewelry on display, my ugly sofa from which I can see my fan art gallery, my books, my multi-green kitchen walls, gifts from my friends that remind me of what truly matters in this world, things that need done that remind me to not become a lazy bum, stacks of tea, piles of yarn, evidence that I share a house with my favorite human being... stuff like that. My motivation for travel, 99.999999% of the time, is to spend time with great people, really.
Four Jobs I've Had:
-I've been that person who hangs advertisements on your front door, which you barely glance at before trashing
-I've been paid to color roads on maps
-I've been paid to assemble a tabletop decoration Christmas tree made of beads & wire
-one of my favorite jobs ever was staying at a summer camp for a week after the summer sessions were all over, to help clean/inventory/reorganize/etc
Four Things I Don't Eat:
-straight-up tomatoes
-bananas
-black licorice
-anything with a strong smoky flavor
Four of My Favorite Foods:
-steak, hot wings, fried chicken
-brownies, cheesecake, root beer floats
-pizza, Americanized Chinese food, pad thai
-fried okra, biscuits with butter & honey, just about anything with cream cheese involved
(okay so I cheated quite a bit, deal with it)
Four Films I've Watched More than Once:
-It hardly makes sense for me to even begin to answer this, because if I like a movie I am guaranteed to watch it again. There's hardly a movie I own that I could even guess for you how many times I've seen it. Here again, as in my paragraph about travel, you can see that I really like the things I know, not so much finding new things. I like to enjoy layers & layers of what I like. When I rewatch a movie, I get to get more out of the music, the inflection, the ways the characters look at each other. Sometimes I think about how a lot of people love new things, as opposed to my lifestyle... & I wonder if their lives are richer & better than mine... but usually I just conclude that my way is just as good, just in different ways. Like some people love sweets, some people love spicy food, it doesn't make either better it's just enjoying different things.
Four TV Shows I Watch:
If this means Shows that are Actually Still Airing:
-Sherlock
-Supernatural
-Doctor Who
pretty sure that's literally the only currently-airing shows I watch, & I only watch the latter on Netflix
Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:
-building our savings back up after The Unemployment Adventure is taking longer than I'd anticipated, but I'm still really hoping we can get at least one of our two Big House Project Goals for the Year done
-GEEK GIRL BRUNCH. Looking forward to geeking out, making friends, stretching my social muscles
-this isn't fair, the year is already over halfway over & my biggest plans already happened so I'm out of things to say besides stuff that sounds boring like "watching my bro's daughter grow up" &
-"I like autumn, & I like spending time with family for the winter holidays"... but I do love those things
Four Things I Can't Live Without:
Okay, I'll give you a break & not take this too literally.
-a balance of socialization + alone time
-the internet & texting
-books, music, movies, video games
-tea
Four Things about Jamie (my dear spouse person):
-he loves to help people; if he knows you could use his help, it won't matter how much it might inconvenience him or how much he doesn't like doing the thing you need, he will absolutely do it
-he likes to write, & is working on a novel inspired by one of his favorite pastimes & the people with whom he passes those times
-he is such a pc gamer, & I like to hear him talk about them & I like to check in on him while he's playing, so I have a bunch of weird secondhand pc game knowledge; his most-played game for a while now has been Eve Online, in which he has a role of responsibility within his guild, & he's awesome
-before we got married, we didn't really have a grasp on how different we are in so many ways, or how he struggles with depression, & each of those things can make things really hard sometimes, but being married to Jamie always feels right, & I feel like it makes me the very best me I can be, & he is my favorite thing about my life
Four Places I've Visited:
-West Virginia University
-The Supreme Court of the United States
-Laura Ingalls Wilder Historic Home & Museum
-Adventure Science Center
Four Pet Peeves:
-noisy eating
-spoilers
-excessive emotions about things that don't matter & you can't change
-being late to a movie
Four Things I Wish I Could Do:
-sew
-have intuition
-be more noticed for my strengths than my weaknesses/weirdnesses
-function better on less sleep
Four Subjects I Studied at School:
-I didn't go to college (as a student), so probably nothing that you didn't take. Except maybe ASL? Piano lessons? We did Etymology & actually even Etiquette... so there, four.
Four Things Near Me Right Now:
-my Nintendo 3DS XL <3
-two empty mugs
-a dog napping because he got me up too early because he's bored & lonely without my mom
-a tea strainer with a moose head
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---------
Four Places I Want to Visit:
-Texas
-Basically the whole UK
-Toronto
-...I'm not really the sort to travel for the sake of travel. I don't enjoy the inherent travel experience enough for that. New places can be amazing & beautiful, but after a not-very-long time, I just want my familiar places back. Like, I'm currently house-sitting for my parents, & it's practically a vacation, but I miss my home. My jewelry on display, my ugly sofa from which I can see my fan art gallery, my books, my multi-green kitchen walls, gifts from my friends that remind me of what truly matters in this world, things that need done that remind me to not become a lazy bum, stacks of tea, piles of yarn, evidence that I share a house with my favorite human being... stuff like that. My motivation for travel, 99.999999% of the time, is to spend time with great people, really.
Four Jobs I've Had:
-I've been that person who hangs advertisements on your front door, which you barely glance at before trashing
-I've been paid to color roads on maps
-I've been paid to assemble a tabletop decoration Christmas tree made of beads & wire
-one of my favorite jobs ever was staying at a summer camp for a week after the summer sessions were all over, to help clean/inventory/reorganize/etc
Four Things I Don't Eat:
-straight-up tomatoes
-bananas
-black licorice
-anything with a strong smoky flavor
Four of My Favorite Foods:
-steak, hot wings, fried chicken
-brownies, cheesecake, root beer floats
-pizza, Americanized Chinese food, pad thai
-fried okra, biscuits with butter & honey, just about anything with cream cheese involved
(okay so I cheated quite a bit, deal with it)
Four Films I've Watched More than Once:
-It hardly makes sense for me to even begin to answer this, because if I like a movie I am guaranteed to watch it again. There's hardly a movie I own that I could even guess for you how many times I've seen it. Here again, as in my paragraph about travel, you can see that I really like the things I know, not so much finding new things. I like to enjoy layers & layers of what I like. When I rewatch a movie, I get to get more out of the music, the inflection, the ways the characters look at each other. Sometimes I think about how a lot of people love new things, as opposed to my lifestyle... & I wonder if their lives are richer & better than mine... but usually I just conclude that my way is just as good, just in different ways. Like some people love sweets, some people love spicy food, it doesn't make either better it's just enjoying different things.
Four TV Shows I Watch:
If this means Shows that are Actually Still Airing:
-Sherlock
-Supernatural
-Doctor Who
pretty sure that's literally the only currently-airing shows I watch, & I only watch the latter on Netflix
Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:
-building our savings back up after The Unemployment Adventure is taking longer than I'd anticipated, but I'm still really hoping we can get at least one of our two Big House Project Goals for the Year done
-GEEK GIRL BRUNCH. Looking forward to geeking out, making friends, stretching my social muscles
-this isn't fair, the year is already over halfway over & my biggest plans already happened so I'm out of things to say besides stuff that sounds boring like "watching my bro's daughter grow up" &
-"I like autumn, & I like spending time with family for the winter holidays"... but I do love those things
Four Things I Can't Live Without:
Okay, I'll give you a break & not take this too literally.
-a balance of socialization + alone time
-the internet & texting
-books, music, movies, video games
-tea
Four Things about Jamie (my dear spouse person):
-he loves to help people; if he knows you could use his help, it won't matter how much it might inconvenience him or how much he doesn't like doing the thing you need, he will absolutely do it
-he likes to write, & is working on a novel inspired by one of his favorite pastimes & the people with whom he passes those times
-he is such a pc gamer, & I like to hear him talk about them & I like to check in on him while he's playing, so I have a bunch of weird secondhand pc game knowledge; his most-played game for a while now has been Eve Online, in which he has a role of responsibility within his guild, & he's awesome
-before we got married, we didn't really have a grasp on how different we are in so many ways, or how he struggles with depression, & each of those things can make things really hard sometimes, but being married to Jamie always feels right, & I feel like it makes me the very best me I can be, & he is my favorite thing about my life
Four Places I've Visited:
-West Virginia University
-The Supreme Court of the United States
-Laura Ingalls Wilder Historic Home & Museum
-Adventure Science Center
Four Pet Peeves:
-noisy eating
-spoilers
-excessive emotions about things that don't matter & you can't change
-being late to a movie
Four Things I Wish I Could Do:
-sew
-have intuition
-be more noticed for my strengths than my weaknesses/weirdnesses
-function better on less sleep
Four Subjects I Studied at School:
-I didn't go to college (as a student), so probably nothing that you didn't take. Except maybe ASL? Piano lessons? We did Etymology & actually even Etiquette... so there, four.
Four Things Near Me Right Now:
-my Nintendo 3DS XL <3
-two empty mugs
-a dog napping because he got me up too early because he's bored & lonely without my mom
-a tea strainer with a moose head
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