Ugh. See? There it is already. The feelings of guilt.
I've been trying to notice whenever I feel like I don't want to do something, or when I feel like I'm bad at something, so that I can analyze what could make it better. I can change my expectations, I can change my habits, I can change my process, once I take the time to figure out what's really going on instead of just pushing through & doing things the same old way. It's been a pretty rewarding way to look at things!
My latest realization is... I think I need to let go of my desire to be A Great Letter Writer. A Beautiful Card Sender. You Know, That One with All the Stickers & Pretty Things that Makes Your Day when Found in Your Mailbox. I've carried this ambition for yeeeeeaaaaars, even before
IGGPPC. That community just made it so much better/worse! *so many feels*
I LOVE snail mail & all it can mean, all the love it can carry. But I've pushed myself into a spot where I feel more frustrated about sending mail than excited. I still want to love the people, but I now dread the time it takes, & the little frustrations that I always seem to have. I lose things (letters awaiting reply, letters in progress, pens that actually work, addresses, stamps-- all the things), even though I have a whole desk devoted to keeping it all organized. I get impatient with myself trying to find the right way to say something, or I read what I wrote & it seems boring, trite, self-absorbed, not at all what I meant. I try to let that go, & to know that the recipient will probably like anything I send, but it's tiring to never feel satisfied about it myself. It has become a thing where it doesn't feel worth the effort... so maybe it isn't. Maybe I can come back to it, but I think I need to step back at least until I no longer dread the whole process.
What I want to do is try emailing people in place of sending a letter or card. Because actually communicating, even in a lesser form, is better than not doing anything & feeling bad about it. I'd rather invest in a friendship a little at a time, in not-extraordinarily-special ways, than let my chances slip away entirely. I love to text! I love twitter interactions! I even dig facebook messaging! I'd LOVE to be a better friend by using things I already enjoy doing, things that are better suited to my life right now.
If you're reading this & have sent me mail... I'm sorry if I haven't sent some back. I PROMISE I meant to, & that I liked what you sent me! (If you sent a postcard, it's probably on display somewhere in my home, I'm not gonna lie.) I hope you can accept that it's not you, it's me. People are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, & I'm just bad at things sometimes, but YOU ARE AMAZING. (If you ever feel slighted by me in any way, I can
almost promise you that it's not anything personal, it's totally a failure on my part. PLEASE feel like you can communicate with me if I hurt your feelings or something.)
I know that personally, I feel loved just knowing someone thought of me. If you receive a letter, you can know someone thought of you... but... someone also thinks of you if they tweet at you, email you, direct message you, comment on your blog, text you... & sometimes a simpler format of communication can ameliorate conversation. I'm not going to downplay letters, but there is something to be said for the ease & speed of other ways in other circumstances. So that's what I'm going to be trying for a while. I hereby officially forgive myself of any perceived snail mail debts, & will try harder to let people know when I'm thinking of them, in whatever way seems best without stressing myself out about it.
Love,
...no really, where ARE my postage stamps...
