Steps of Deterioration

Hi folk! Today we're going to talk about What Happens to Me when My Social Fuel Tank is Running Dry, & How I React. I feel like it's getting more common to understand the basics of introversion/extroversion, how you get drained & how you recharge, but no one wants to talk about the messy bits. I know that I myself would want to read how various people of various types handle the stress of not being able to escape a situation that makes them want to pound the Red Alert button... So I'll start off!

The first thing I do is get even quieter than usual. Small talk? Pft. Volunteering information? Pft. My own opinions & preferences become less & less important as the self-preservation instincts kick in. Few things drain & discourage me as quickly as being ignored, interrupted, talked over, misunderstood, all of the hazards of letting words out of my face in public. Even on a good day. Let me concentrate on listening, instead.

Eye contact? That goes out of the window. Maybe if I'm not looking at you, you'll think I'm busy or boring or preoccupied or some sort of subconscious signal will go off warning you to seek interaction elsewhere... Sometimes I can still summon the energy to talk to you, as long as I don't have to look at you. I'm still listening. Probably.

In fact, not only am I not looking at you, I'm looking very hard at something else. I give my brain some comfortable busywork to distract it from the strain & chaos. By examining anything in sight. This is a thing that comes naturally to an extent at all times, but I fall into it as a lifeline when everything else going on gets to be too much. An example: hey look, there's a coffee table. Look at its height. Is that the most optimal height? That might depend on if it is mostly used for holding beverages, or resting feet, or even things like desk work. Which do I think this one is mostly used for? Look at the legs. Are they poking out? We wouldn't want anyone to trip on them. Are they designed to hold much weight? Could we sit on this coffee table? We should look at how thick the top is. Oh, & is it a material that would benefit from the use of coasters? Coasters are generally just a nuisance, & folk use them on surfaces that really don't require them at all. Silly people. Some coasters are really cool though! I have cool coasters! Hey, focus. Most coasters aren't even well designed. So when you're thinking about a coffee table, & you're thinking it should have coasters for beverages, you also need to think about what kind of coasters. Unless you like the look of coasters *&* beverage moisture marks. Would I use a coffee table in this space at all? Maybe an end table would be more suitable for this situation. Depending on its height & depth. Etc. At best, this actually teaches me about people & how they think. At worst, I end up just thinking whomever designed/uses the thing is an idiot & doesn't understand simple physics & organization & things.

Oh hey. I have like zero intuition. I have to rely on previous experience & such to try to figure out what people mean when their words don't quite make sense to me. & when my energies are drained... it's just not going to happen. I end up answering a lot of rhetorical questions, answering things in a waaaaay too literal manner, &/or just being entirely lost & confused. I can reach a point where even "how are you" seems like a super weird thing to say. HOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW. DOOOIIIIING. AM I EVEN DOING AT ALL? DO I WANT TO BE DOING? Moreover, a lot of people I know do a lot of jumping from topic to topic & back again with no warning. I can go all "wait what who?" & look like I'm not paying attention, even when I'm trying really hard. I might be spending my very last bit of focus & energy on someone, trying to show them the love that I feel, but nope I just come across as clueless.

You know what's awesome? Solid colors. Simple patterns. Wood grain. Tiles. Graph paper. God bless graph paper. Once even my reasoning skills are breaking down, I don't even want to look at anything that isn't deeply predictable. When I'm really starting to break down, to the point of I'm about to cry, the first thing I want is to see something super plain. It honestly helps. Things that have an appearance that is random, fuzzy, in any way unpredictable, just feel like more noise, more to figure out, more chaos. I can't turn off my brain's way of trying to make sense of everything I see.

After a while, I get super insecure. It happens any time I get tired, but especially if there's anything social going on. Here I am, at this thing that I decided was so important that I would ignore my own needs, & I'm staring at bookcases & knitting my brow at small talk. WHAT MUST PEOPLE THINK. It's a vicious cycle of putting effort into trying to connect with the people that I'm there to see, & then getting even more tired & stressed & bummed & insecure, & feeling like I need to try harder... I'll over-analyze evvvverrrrrrything. If anyone is nice to me, it's just because they're being polite. If they aren't nice, it's because I said/did something wrong. If they're ignoring me altogether, our friendship is ruined, I'll never hear from them again, & maybe they're better off that way. THAT THING I DID TEN YEARS AGO MIGHT EVEN BE TO BLAME. IT'S ALL SO CLEAR.

Related note: my husband is amazing. AMAZING. He lets me rely on him so much if he's there when I'm fading fast. He does small talk, he does intuition, he lets me cling to him & mumble nonsense & stare at his hoodie & try to position him as my representation to the world. He is an introvert like I am, but he's the exact opposite everything else as far as MBTI is concerned, & he definitely handles being drained a lot differently than I do. He's a lot better at faking, & at doing whatever needs to be done until it is no longer needed. <3 I do know a little bit about how he handles it & how to help him out if I'm the one less drained, so I can at least attempt to return the help he so often gives me.

How about you? What makes you your worst self, what does that look like, & how do you try to manage it?