Steps of Deterioration

Hi folk! Today we're going to talk about What Happens to Me when My Social Fuel Tank is Running Dry, & How I React. I feel like it's getting more common to understand the basics of introversion/extroversion, how you get drained & how you recharge, but no one wants to talk about the messy bits. I know that I myself would want to read how various people of various types handle the stress of not being able to escape a situation that makes them want to pound the Red Alert button... So I'll start off!

The first thing I do is get even quieter than usual. Small talk? Pft. Volunteering information? Pft. My own opinions & preferences become less & less important as the self-preservation instincts kick in. Few things drain & discourage me as quickly as being ignored, interrupted, talked over, misunderstood, all of the hazards of letting words out of my face in public. Even on a good day. Let me concentrate on listening, instead.

Eye contact? That goes out of the window. Maybe if I'm not looking at you, you'll think I'm busy or boring or preoccupied or some sort of subconscious signal will go off warning you to seek interaction elsewhere... Sometimes I can still summon the energy to talk to you, as long as I don't have to look at you. I'm still listening. Probably.

In fact, not only am I not looking at you, I'm looking very hard at something else. I give my brain some comfortable busywork to distract it from the strain & chaos. By examining anything in sight. This is a thing that comes naturally to an extent at all times, but I fall into it as a lifeline when everything else going on gets to be too much. An example: hey look, there's a coffee table. Look at its height. Is that the most optimal height? That might depend on if it is mostly used for holding beverages, or resting feet, or even things like desk work. Which do I think this one is mostly used for? Look at the legs. Are they poking out? We wouldn't want anyone to trip on them. Are they designed to hold much weight? Could we sit on this coffee table? We should look at how thick the top is. Oh, & is it a material that would benefit from the use of coasters? Coasters are generally just a nuisance, & folk use them on surfaces that really don't require them at all. Silly people. Some coasters are really cool though! I have cool coasters! Hey, focus. Most coasters aren't even well designed. So when you're thinking about a coffee table, & you're thinking it should have coasters for beverages, you also need to think about what kind of coasters. Unless you like the look of coasters *&* beverage moisture marks. Would I use a coffee table in this space at all? Maybe an end table would be more suitable for this situation. Depending on its height & depth. Etc. At best, this actually teaches me about people & how they think. At worst, I end up just thinking whomever designed/uses the thing is an idiot & doesn't understand simple physics & organization & things.

Oh hey. I have like zero intuition. I have to rely on previous experience & such to try to figure out what people mean when their words don't quite make sense to me. & when my energies are drained... it's just not going to happen. I end up answering a lot of rhetorical questions, answering things in a waaaaay too literal manner, &/or just being entirely lost & confused. I can reach a point where even "how are you" seems like a super weird thing to say. HOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW. DOOOIIIIING. AM I EVEN DOING AT ALL? DO I WANT TO BE DOING? Moreover, a lot of people I know do a lot of jumping from topic to topic & back again with no warning. I can go all "wait what who?" & look like I'm not paying attention, even when I'm trying really hard. I might be spending my very last bit of focus & energy on someone, trying to show them the love that I feel, but nope I just come across as clueless.

You know what's awesome? Solid colors. Simple patterns. Wood grain. Tiles. Graph paper. God bless graph paper. Once even my reasoning skills are breaking down, I don't even want to look at anything that isn't deeply predictable. When I'm really starting to break down, to the point of I'm about to cry, the first thing I want is to see something super plain. It honestly helps. Things that have an appearance that is random, fuzzy, in any way unpredictable, just feel like more noise, more to figure out, more chaos. I can't turn off my brain's way of trying to make sense of everything I see.

After a while, I get super insecure. It happens any time I get tired, but especially if there's anything social going on. Here I am, at this thing that I decided was so important that I would ignore my own needs, & I'm staring at bookcases & knitting my brow at small talk. WHAT MUST PEOPLE THINK. It's a vicious cycle of putting effort into trying to connect with the people that I'm there to see, & then getting even more tired & stressed & bummed & insecure, & feeling like I need to try harder... I'll over-analyze evvvverrrrrrything. If anyone is nice to me, it's just because they're being polite. If they aren't nice, it's because I said/did something wrong. If they're ignoring me altogether, our friendship is ruined, I'll never hear from them again, & maybe they're better off that way. THAT THING I DID TEN YEARS AGO MIGHT EVEN BE TO BLAME. IT'S ALL SO CLEAR.

Related note: my husband is amazing. AMAZING. He lets me rely on him so much if he's there when I'm fading fast. He does small talk, he does intuition, he lets me cling to him & mumble nonsense & stare at his hoodie & try to position him as my representation to the world. He is an introvert like I am, but he's the exact opposite everything else as far as MBTI is concerned, & he definitely handles being drained a lot differently than I do. He's a lot better at faking, & at doing whatever needs to be done until it is no longer needed. <3 I do know a little bit about how he handles it & how to help him out if I'm the one less drained, so I can at least attempt to return the help he so often gives me.

How about you? What makes you your worst self, what does that look like, & how do you try to manage it?

Hello, 2015

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTIONS POST.
I don't do New Year's resolutions. If I spot something in myself that could use improving, I get started right away. But I don't mind taking a moment after surviving the holiday rush to ponder what the last year has achieved & how I plan to approach the new.

In short, my plan for 2015 is to deepen & strengthen. The past, oh, three years or so have been about learning & stretching & sometimes just about getting through whatever huge challenge was at hand... I feel a need to allow myself to rest in the lessons learned, celebrate how far I've come, enjoy the new things as they have become more comfortable. There has been a lot of shuffling in my life situation, my understanding of myself & others, how I spend my time, how I contribute to the world around me, & what friendships I invest in in what ways. Even my interests & hobbies have shuffled. My opportunities have changed. My responsibilities have changed. Being a Young Adult Human takes a lot of reorienting! It's exhilarating & exhausting. So, now that there is a point at which I seem to see a chance to breathe before anything else major shifts, I'm going to take that chance.

Here are some of the Things I Do, Which I Plan to Keep Doing & Do Better.

-IGGPPC Staff Ninja. My position over at IGGPPC became official on January 6th, 2014! It's been a long crazy road & not really much at all like what I expected, but we've all done a lot of learning about each other & how to work together & stuff like that this year. While there were definitely times I thought about stepping down, I now can't really imagine my life without it. As long as they think what I can contribute is worth trying to deal with me, I'll be there. We're in the middle of reorienting tasks & responsibilities & whatnot, but once that gets sorted I forsee myself being very happy plugging away at my little duties.

-Retro Power. After getting to hang out with Alex in person for the first time after years of online acquaintance, we decided we wanted to work together to create a thing for 1MoreCastle.com. So far, it has coincided with a bunch of crazy life stuff thrown at both of us, so it's been a little rough going, but it's a thing worth fighting for until we both decide it isn't. The true point of it is the excuse to do something together, 'cause we're friends, & that will remain no matter how seriously we take RP. It is super cool though, you should check it out.

-Bass playin'. After months of communication hiccups, this is smoothing out nicely. I play with one of two of my church's worship teams, which means I play almost every over Sunday but not quite (sometimes the kids lead worship, or special stuff happens, or wires get crossed, etc). So I get up early, get use out of my 38-year-old bass I've had for almost 11 years, get in some practice working as part of a group, toughen my fingertips, & dream of when I'll be able to afford new strings. I really want to try flatwounds.

-Media Team. In theory, I've been on the church's newly-created "media team" for a few months or so. In actuality, the past months have been spent on site redesign, which is absolutely none of my business. Sooooo this will actually be more like a new thing than a continuing thing. The point is, I'm going to be helping out with the church's internet presence, doing stuff like keeping website content up to date. I want to be helping my church in more ways than just playing bass now & then, & I feel like having a way to do that that uses my particular skills & interests will also provide a benefit of helping people in the church learn just a little bit more about me & who I am. Because the simple fact of the matter is if you show up somewhere & aren't doing much, not much is going to be known about you & people will make their own assumptions. As a Young Woman Human, I feel like I've kind of been assumed into an "oh, maybe she should help with the nursery" type of vibe & other vibes that don't actually suit me AT ALL. So, with the Media Team label, maybe I can be planted solidly into a "she likes to sit at home alone & show her love for others by paying attention to details that no one wants to think about until they suddenly need them & they aren't there" vibe. I can dig that vibe.

-FRIENDSHIPS. I thought that 2014 was going to be for deepening new friendships, & kind of it was, but kind of it was also a lot about just sifting what ones should be the focus & how. So I've been doing some texting, some letter-writing, some google-hanging, some gif-exchanging, some pin-sending. I'm finding that there are people out there who express/appreciate friendship in the same ways that I do! WHICH IS AMAZING. I feel like I've spent SO MUCH OF MY LIFE trying to figure out how to show love to the people around me, & it feels SO GOOD to find people who are coming from a similar understanding so I don't have to work nearly as hard. People who see love in exchanging book recommendations, in expressing a pet peeve knowing the other person will absolutely not judge you, in watching something at the same time just to be sharing, in mailing little trinkets just to say you're thinking of someone, in deciding NOT to send something because you aren't sure they'd like it, in openly admitting to weaknesses & strengths, in asking questions to get another's perspective, in not really knowing what to say but letting that be okay, in sometimes maybe even saying the wrong things & letting that be okay too. I'm finding people who are loving me for whatever odd reason they have found, & I am letting them make me comfortable enough to make myself uncomfortable enough to grow. (That does make sense. Reread it until you get it.) One of the things I've wanted for so long was to find someone A LOT like myself. Instead, I've been blessed enough to find people who are different, but in the most beautiful ways possible. Ways that give us opportunity to see things in each other to inspire us in ways we wouldn't otherwise have. & that even gives me courage & refreshment, to keep on plugging away at finding out how to show love to the other friends I have & love so very much but get a bit confused on how they want that expressed. Because only surrounding yourself with the easiest & most comfortable people isn't good either.

-Blogging! Oh blog, you are such a nice resource. I appreciate the opportunities you offer. *pats technology on its collective head* Blogging is like... well, I embrace twitter because it is amazing for allowing me to express whatever I want to express & people can interact or not as they see fit. A blog is basically that with more space. ;-) Sometimes I even have occasion to link on twitter to something I've blogged, to provide handy elaboration in case of interest! Isn't that grand? I plan to take more advantage of this marvel. I already have many things in mind I wish to cover. I've almost fully drafted a couple in my mind already.

-More reading, more Bible studying, more letter writing, more discovering music/movies/shows, more knitting, more house-improving, more loving, more giving, more listening, more cookie-baking! MORE YOU. <3

My Favorite Things Ever

So I wanted to blog about how I'm happiest in a supporting role. & I also wanted to blog about the two settings in which I am most 'in my element'. But the more I thought about each topic, the more I thought it'd be easier to perhaps combine the two. So, this might get a bit convoluted, but bear with me, & I'll try to bear with me too. ;-o I'm not even entirely sure where to start. Let's try talking about each of my two favorite settings in turn, & tie the other bit in as we go.

I'd been to two or three concerts before October 2001, but they were the big kind where you don't talk to anyone & you can't really see what's going on. So my first little bitty concert totally changed the way I saw things. The stage was mere feet away, the audience was standing all crowded together & chattering away, the band was aged 19 to 23, I could see the cords & knobs & hard work, & I fell in love with the whole thing. I got to see that same band over 40 times in the next nine years, & I consider that one of my life's greatest blessings. I got to see many venues, good & bad. I saw crowds of young teenagers & crowds of middle-aged drunks. I saw what happens before & after the show. I worked the merch table, & that became one of my favorite things ever. I have a soft spot for many aspects of the music business, from guitar repair to the mixing of a freshly recorded album, but I most deeply love concerts.
When I go to a concert, I feel like my presence is a gesture of support to whomever I'm there to see. I feel a deep interest in every logistical detail, & I keep an eye on everyone working to make the show happen. I feel a sense of community, & I talk comfortably to strangers as if they are my friends (which is totally outside of my normal behavior). I feel alive, full of energy & hope. When I was seeing the band I saw most often, I was known, & people knew that they could count on me, & that is the feeling that makes me the most happy.
At this stage of my life, I'm making it to about one concert per year. I feel mostly okay with it, because this stage of my life is full of many lovely & important things to fill my time, & I love it. But I do miss being more present in the relationship I have with that enviroment.

The other setting that means the most to me has developed an even deeper connection to my heart than concerts, because of stronger personal involvement. I don't just love being at summer camp, I feel like I *belong* there. I've been told by multiple people that I "glow" when I work at a camp. I've been told by multiple entirely different people that they've rarely if ever seen anyone with a passion for camp like I have, & that I need to do something with that. (I do plan to give more of my life to camp, but, again, this stage of my life isn't really for that purpose.) I spent five summers at various camps. I've done day camp & overnight, Christian & mainstream, special needs & mainstream, kids & adults. I'm sitting here staing at this blinking cursor, wondering how to even put any of it into words. Oh the stress I've been through for camps! There has been blood, sweat, & tears. HAPPILY. You know you're in the right place when you're struggling harder than you ever have, in ways that go against your grain, with a constant underlying feeling that it is absolutely worth it & you'd do it all & more. The pain just becomes part of the expression of love. A common theme with many of my happiest camp moments, as with many of my concert moments, is having people know they could count on me. I was trusted with tasks beyond the responsibilities of my roles, because people knew I would gladly give my all to anything they asked of me. I got to do many little things to help things go smoothly, at camps & at concerts, & that is how I like to live my life. It's a big part of who I am, & how I show love. I try to see what details I can handle to help the people around me, often as in the background as possible. I find joy when someone asks me to do something for them. Sometimes it turns into a bad habit of taking on way too much at once, & I feel super duper bad when I have to let someone down. Other times it gets frustrating because sometimes people just don't see how I'm trying to love them, they have no idea that my behavior springs from caring about them. Different people see love more in different things, & it is important that all people try to grow from that to see more broadly.

Re: #YesAllWomen

You may or may not know about the hashtag #YesAllWomen that had a big surge earlier this year. To explain it quickly in a rather oversimplified way, it was basically women pointing out that as a woman you experience some fear/pressure/discrimination, just for being a woman. & that shouldn't be how it is. But it is how it is. & before we can see significant change, we need to see more significant awareness.

The thing that really struck me about it was the unification. I don't know how other women feel about it, but I feel like a lot of women spend a lot of time comparing their self to other women, & other women to other women. But this was putting us all together, even though we had different experiences. The woman who got catcalled once was on the same plane as the woman who gets passed over for promotions was on the same plane as the rape victim.

That felt so good & so important to me.

Ever since I was old enough to understand the meaning of rape, my brain sorted my self firmly into the "nothing that bad has happened to you" category. & while that is still technically true, it was a damaging line of thought.

Multiple of my closest friends have been victims of rape. My heart breaks into thousands of pieces for them. I've seen them be strong & heroic, & I've held them while they had full-blown panic attacks. I have the deepest respect for them & how they've reclaimed their lives.

But it added to downplaying my own pain.

There are various definitions of 'sexual abuse' floating around out there, but most of the ones that don't involve actual rape fit what happened to me. (This is my first time admitting any such thing in anything even remotely public. I won't be giving any more details.) Only in the past couple of years have I actually realized that was true, it was abuse-- I'd minimized it so much in my efforts to not feel sorry for myself. & I'm not telling you all of this so that you'll feel sorry for me.

The point I want to make with this is that everyone's story matters.

Everyone's pain is valid.

The bad stuff that happened to you is bad, inherently, on its own.

What happened to someone else has nothing to do with what happened to you.

No one has any right to say that what you've been through wasn't bad, even if they've been through something worse.

Your pain affects how you live your life. What I went through impacted so much-- the way I dressed, how I spent my time, how I related to other people, how I thought about myself, on & on for years & years.

Please, whatever you've been through, let yourself find healing. A big wound won't heal properly if you keep telling yourself it's just a scratch. & even a scratch needs treatment.

Guest Post! INFJ Playlist, by Alex!

Hi friends! We've got something special for you today. I was going to post it yesterday but (I promise this is going somewhere) yesterday got wacky, so I'm posting it today, which works out even better coincidentally because the very first post for our collaborative series over at 1MoreCastle.com is supposed to go live today! So we're having a big ol' collab celebration. (I almost wanted to be clever & try to mash collab with celebration, but then it came out as 'collaboration... oops.) So, here's Alex, to tell us about why he picked the songs he did for his fabulous MBTI Playlist!

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Greetings blog viewers! My name is Alex and I happen to be Valerie’s friend. She has generously let me occupy her blog space while she is off knitting or something. Back in July she and I both had the same idea, to create a playlist based on our Meyer’s Brigg personality and share it with friends via social media. Little did either of us know how many people would end up participating. So many so that I still have not gotten through everyone’s playlists, and I fully intend to. Since I started my own playlist I have fully intended to write a blog explaining why I chose the songs I did. Each one was carefully chosen, at first. I did start to stray slightly from a strictly personality based playlist and it became an “Alex based playlist”. But fear not I am INFJ and my playlist does reflect that, but it also reflects me perfectly. It is ideally listened to with headphones and in order. I didn’t place songs randomly. My intention is to take you through a journey in my shoes, I hope you’re size thirteen. I want you to feel what I feel, to think what goes through my head, and to see just what it is like to be me. This also might be a good way to get to know me as well. In the remainder of the blog I will be sharing why I chose the songs I chose as well as any relevant lyrics. I sincerely hope you enjoy listening to this playlist, and if you haven’t already, share yours!

1.“Sleeping Lessons” by The Shins

“Just put yourself in my new shoes,
And see that I do what I do, Because the old guards still defend”

A song I included mostly for the feels, this is what I feel like on my highest of highs.
But the vibe I get is it’s like a justification for “what I do”.

2. “Andrew” by Jonwayne

I included this one purely for the feels.

3. “Under Pressure” by David Bowie and Queen

“It’s the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends scream ‘let me out’”

The world is a hurting place and I feel its feels.

4. “Hurt Feelings” by Flight of the Conchords

“I got hurt feelings…

…I’m crying tears of a Rapper”

This is the feeling of being misunderstood by everyone, and being forgotten, that I so often have.

5. “Four of Two” by They Might Giants

“But I knew that the girl would be coming very soon”

Being led on by a girl who has no interest in me has happened before, and it sucks.

6. “My Evil Plan to Save the World” by Five Iron Frenzy

“I have an evil plan to save the world for every man,
And I think it's better than the way it's being run.
Oh the groundwork's laid,
No Don't be afraid,
I'm sure that I can fix it,
When I figure out the physics.”

While not evil, I do have a plan to save the world 

7. “The World’s Greatest Criminal Mind” Music by Henry Mancini

You might say I think like a criminal mastermind sometimes, but I have good intentions not ill ones.

8. “The Sound of Silence” By Simon and Garfunkel

“Hear my words that I might teach you.
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence.”

I rarely feel like anyone takes what I say very seriously.

9. “The Question Song” By Tom Wilson

“I don't know, stop asking me the question.”

People often ask me the same silly questions over and over, and it annoys me to no end. The actor who played Biff in Back to the Future (My favorite movie) sang this song.

10. “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus and Garvey

“I must disagree sir…won’t you listen to me?”

Mostly for the feels, but I do wish people would listen to me. I know what I am talking about most of the time.

11. “I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire” by The Ink Spots

“I don't want to set the world on fire
I just want to start a flame in your heart”

I don’t want or need to be desired by everyone (or every girl) just one.

12. “You Can Call Me Al” By Paul Simon

“A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard”

“You can call me Al”

I am quite soft in the middle (very sensitive) and I like being called Al. On a more nostalgic note my parents used to sing this song to me when I was a baby.

13. “We Belong Together” by Randy Newman
“When we're together,
Grey skies are clear, oh.
And I'll share them, till where I'm less depressed.
And it's sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,
I just can't take it when we're apart.

We belong together,
We belong together.
Yes, we do,
You'll be mine, forever.”

A love song for my (future) bride and myself 

14. “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by Olivia Newton-John (originally by John Denver)

“…the radio reminds me of my home far away.”

I always feel like I belong somewhere else than where I am, in another time another place. And indeed I do have another home elsewhere.

15 “Feelings” by Morris Albert

“Feelings, nothing more than feelings”

I speak almost exclusively in feelings.

16. “Robot Parade” by They Might Be Giants

I am a fun loving robot who likes to get along with people, and this song captures that perfectly.

17. “Friends” by Flight of the Conchords

“Friends sing together…
Friends do things together…

Friends laugh together…”

I am all about being friendly and also having good friends.

18. “Someone’s Rockin’ my Dreamboat” by The Inkspots

“But with love as my guide,
I'll follow the tide,
I'll keep sailing 'til I find you.”

I feel like I belong in the 30s/40s but more to the point I am usually in a dream like state and looking for just the right (fill in the blank) (friend, girlfriend, movie, book).

19. “I Will Possess Your Heart” by Deathcab For Cutie

“You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.”

Spend time with me and I guarantee you’ll like me, INFJs are said to be some of people’s favorite people.

20. “I Want to Break Free” by Queen

“I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free.”

I often get into situations that I feel trapped, like jobs, or relationships but I’m not the most assertive person.

21. “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” By Simple Minds

“Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me”

Oftentimes I feel left out or forgotten about entirely.

22. “You Don’t Know Me” By Ben Folds (Ft. Regina Spektor)

“I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?”

I have been in many relationships (friendships or otherwise) in which I don’t ever get to know the other person and vice versa, it is rather strange being friends with a stranger or even be related to one.

23. “Not Your Kind of People” by Garbage

“We are not your kind of people.
You seem kind of phony.
Everything's a lie.
We are not your kind of people.
Something in your makeup.
Don't see eye to eye.”

This whole song is a very good representation of how I feel oftentimes. I think a lot of people are phony and that is a huge pet peeve of mine. Don’t lie to me, I can tell when you aren’t telling the truth.

24. “I Wanna Be Like You” sung by Louis Prima

“I wanna be like you
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too”

Sometimes I just want to be like everyone else and fit in.

25. “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac

“Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be better than before
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone”

I tend to be an optimist and think the best is yet to come.

26. “Everything You Know is Wrong” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

“Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter”

A silly song, but I often feel like I know things others don’t and focus on stuff that matters, like people instead of drama.

27. “Damn Good Times” by They Might Be Giants

“I'm not much of a natural dancer

But I've got a friend who's a natural dancer

You could call her a jumpin' bean

She's got ants in her pants and she's gonna dance”

Mostly for the feels but I do like to dance sometimes, and quite awkwardly

28. “On the Beautiful Blue Danube” by Johann Strauss

How I feel when I am feeling at my best.

29. “Please Do Not Go” by Violent Femmes

“So please, please, please do not go
Please, please, please do not go
Please, please, please do not go”

I don’t want to be abandoned or forgotten about, in romantic situations or just in normal friendships.

30. “Somewhere Out There” by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

“Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight”

I know somewhere out there, there is a girl looking for a guy like me and I am looking for her as well.

31. “They’ll Need a Crane” by They Might Be Giants

“Don't call me at work again

No, no, the boss still hates me

I'm just tired and I don't love you anymore”

These are the feelings I feel in the middle of a bad relationship and the subsequent breakup.

32. “Pictures in My Head” sung by Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie, Swedish Chef, and Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem

“Is there more I could have said?
Now they’re only pictures in my head.”

Sometimes I feel like my happiest times are behind me.

33. “Common People” by William Shatner

“I want to live like common people
I want to do whatever common people do”

Sometimes I just want to fit in and be “normal”.

34. “Ramona” by Beck

Though not really supported by the lyrics, “Ramona” is the girl of my dreams, who may or may not even exist.

35. “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman

“Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them
Will ever love you the way I do”

My friendship is loyal and unique.

36. “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog

“What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me”

I often want to find that one thing that will help me connect with someone, and that often time comes in the form of daydreaming.

37. “Beautiful Dreamer” by Bobby Darin

“Beautiful Dreamer, why do you stare?

Isn’t there someone you know who would care.

Say you are unhappy because you’re alone…

Beautiful dreamer, please dry your eyes.

Don’t you be lonely, just realize,

That I too am lonely, lonely and blue.

Beautiful dreamer, I’m a dreamer like you.”

I am such a dreamer, and I often feel like I am alone in the world, but deep down I know I am not.

38. “If You’re Into It” By Flight of the Conchords

“If you want me to
I can hang 'round with you
If I only knew
That's what you're into

You and him, him and you
If that's what you're into
Him hangin' 'round around you
You're hangin' 'round, yeah, you're there too”

I’d like to find out what someone is into so I can get to know him or her, but not quite as suggestively as the song…suggests.

39. “If I Didn’t Care” By The Ink Spots

“If I didn't care more than words can say
If I didn't care would I feel this way?
If this isn't love then why do I thrill?
And what makes my head go 'round and 'round
While my heart stands still?”

When I care about someone it can get rather intense.

40. “Whistling in the Dark” By They Might Be Giants
“A woman came up to me and said
"I'd like to poison your mind
With wrong ideas that appeal to you
Though I am not unkind…

…And so I'm having a wonderful time
But I'd rather be whistling in the dark”

People often come up to me and say rather strange things, and I’d often just rather not say anything to them, or better yet be by myself whistling in the dark.

41. “Skinnamarink” By Sharon, Lois and Bram

“Skinnamarinky dinky dink
Skinnamarinky do,
I love you!”

I tend to love people, and also use silly words. On a more personal note, this was a childhood favorite song of mine.

42. “Every New Day” By Five Iron Frenzy

“Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again

Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.”

This song perfectly encapsulates my every day struggle to feel self worth, some days it’s easier than other, sometimes I get overwhelmed by my burdens other times I am soaring at the top of my game. This is my personal prayer that I pray so often and almost every time I think of the song or listen to it I can’t help but well up with so many tears. I love this song with my entire heart, it’s one of the few that I can that about.

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*returns from knitting or something* Thank you Alex! <3 It's been an honor.
I'm really enjoying using this blog as an outlet for sharing what people are passionate about & why. If you have something you'd like to talk about, let me know!

How I HabitRPG

Hello friends! Today I'm going to talk to you about a fantastic app. Actually, it's also a website. So if you're reading this, you can use HabitRPG! & maybe you should! It's fantastic for keeping track of anything that you want to do.

I started using HabitRPG sometime... last... year... I think. Might've been very early this year. It really helped me keep my brain from freaking out, because I had a lot going on plus a lot to get done in just a few months. I used it a lot to help me get my house ready to host folk in our guest room over Indy Pop Con... & there was so very much to get done before that could happen, lemme tell ya. But after Pop Con, my HabitRPG usage faded away, as I just wanted to relax & recover, plus other stuff was in flux that was affecting my schedule & my goals. But schedule stuff is becoming more stable, I'm grasping at new goals, & I have some serious stuff that needs done in a timely fashion. Oh, plus there's an IGGPPC party now! Can't miss that!

Here's a screencap from the website version of my Tasks.

Habits
I use habits as anything that needs done on a regular basis. So you can see chores & responsibilities & stuff there. They are also all things that don't have a definitive 'amount', per se-- so I can sweep one room or the entire house, I can blog a little or schedule things for a month, & then I can decide how much credit I deserve, because I can hit that plus sign multiple times for increased reward. I only have one item with a minus symbol. You can use the minus for things like cheating on your diet. (Yes, I reward/punish myself for how I stand up to social situations. That's probably not something you need on your HabitRPG, but I do well having a reminder of how socially drained I really am, & incentive to hang in there when I'm having to endure social stuff.) I like having the choice each day of whether or not to do any combination of any of these things, & how much.

Dailies
These are things I try to do every day. Even weekends. Whoa. I personally do not even ever want to see anything too productive on this particular list-- this list makes sure that I relax & take time to do things I enjoy. Some days I need to embrace the fact that it is okay to not get anything done. But I am a better person when I take time to read, & manipulate yarn. Even on days that I need to just relax, I like to have a plan in place. I relax by knowing what to expect. That is how my brain works!

To-Dos
To-Dos get done once. So this is your most standard list, easy to relate to what you've probably already done before with pen & paper. I pile this section full of anything that I don't want to forget to do, time-sensitive stuff, stuff that I will need to set aside time to complete, stuff that I just plain want to earn coins for accomplishing. ;-) This is also the list where I most take advantage of the ability to set things as easy, medium, or hard difficulty, & the list where things just sit for a while & turn red. But it doesn't punish me for that in this section. (I think. I'm pretty sure that is right & why I set it up this way.)

How It All Comes Together
I now keep the website pinned in my browser, as well as having the app on my tablet. By now, I have most of my Dailies & Habits memorized, so they're pretty established in my thought process of what to get done with my day. Then I can refer to my To-Dos, evaluate what sort of time I have available, what needs done urgently, blah blah blah... & see if I should start doing one of them (or maybe I already did & forgot to check it off!). & sometime during the day, I like to check in on how much gold I have earned & any items I have found, so I can do fun stuff like buy equipment & hatch eggs. DRAGONS YOU GUYS.

So that's pretty much it! I hope it all made some sort of sense, & gave you a glimpse at my brain I mean uh at HabitRPG. If you have any questions, let me know! I <3 questions!

Once upon a Time, Mild Depression

Now that my husband has blogged about what it was like for him to go through mild depression, it seems natural for me to talk about what it was like for me to be married to someone going through mild depression.

I learned early in our relationship that Jamie can be... well, for lack of a better word, 'moody'. Sometimes something happens that hits him somewhere deep inside, & it affects him for some time. I'd notice it mostly in him being less aware of the feelings of others (I've always loved the way he cares about how others feel), & being hard to engage in conversation or activity or anything happy. Learning not to take it personally was very helpful! ;-o It'd last a couple days or up to a week, but overall, Jamie is a happy & caring person. So in June of last year, when he started acting down, I didn't worry too much. & then when he starting talking about feeling really down, I still didn't worry too much. It was right after he'd spent a week at a huge event doing something he loves, & in my mind I related his feeling down much to how I felt when I'd get home from working at a summer camp. You pour your whole self into this life away from your normal life, & then when you get back to 'normal', you can kind of forget what you really liked about it. So I tried to be encouraging, I told him to give it time, & I cooked yummy foods & let him hide away with his pc games as much as he wanted. But I was wrong. It didn't get better. It got worse. What had come up seeming like a general funk turned into a pervasive dark sadness, frustration, crankiness, lack of initiative, lack of appreciation, loss of joy. As this became apparent, of course my primary responses were sympathy & wanting to do anything I could to help! But lemme tell ya. Some days were so hard. It's hard enough to live with someone who is fighting something so tough, but then when it's constant & some days you need a break too, some days you count on your spouse being there for you but he can't be there like he used to... It was interesting, really-- having Jamie as my friend/boyfriend/fiance/husband was really significant for teaching me to tell someone about my feelings, to let someone help, to see how much better I could feel when I didn't just keep all of my feelings to myself. But when he was in this depression, I couldn't do the very things he'd taught me to do. As he got more used to dealing with his funk, & I got more used to it as well, I found ways to vent to him juuuust a bit, but keep the majority aside to deal with on my own. I found ways to make myself feel a tiny bit better, things like getting out of the house, doling out little bits of my feelings across various friends, soaking every little bit of joy out of little things like making fried chicken & watching Digimon. But it was a rough adjustment. Also, I've been used to being the detail person among the two of us, but I had to take on everything. Jamie could barely make himself focus on one thing at a time, & I needed him to focus on feeling better & getting through his workdays & putting on a good face for the rest of the world. He was basically acting for much of the time, & it took a lot out of him. His job requires him to be nice to people, & help placate them when they aren't entirely pleased. We're both introverts, but Jamie has always felt more drained by being around me than I do by being around him... so when he'd get home from a long day of having to hide his own stress to deal with others', he wanted nothing more than to be alone. So... yeah... a big part of marriage is finding joy in your spouse's joy, being happy when they are happy, wanting to make them happy... When your spouse can't be happy & can sometimes barely be around you, that makes it very hard. Over the course of a year, I took care of my husband, I took care of myself, I took care of my house, I took care of our scheduling... I took care of everything I could by myself. I became good at it. It felt both more & a lot less like being married, because I was definitely doing everything I could to support someone else, someone I loved with everything in me, but there wasn't a lot of response of any kind. I still knew that Jamie loved & appreciated me! But most of the time, I didn't feel special or beautiful or desired, I admit. I generally had to find ways to treat myself, or do without. But there were exceptions, & in a way, they were made all the more special. Jamie made plans for our anniversary, & that was such a huge deal to me. That little trip was probably my happiest time with him in the whole time that the melancholy lasted. There was also the time I came home from Target & told him that I snuggled a Twilight Sparkle, & he went & bought it for me. I feel a warm glow whenever I see it now, I don't think he evens knows that it instantly become one of my favorite things that I own. So it's not that he didn't want to make me feel special & wanted! It just took a lot of effort, because everything took a lot of effort. As hard a time as I'm probably making it sound like I had, it is so so important for you to remember what he was going through. I'm not writing this to complain, or out of resentment & regret. I'm mostly writing this to encourage anyone who might ever be put in a similar situation. I'm writing this for the married people who notice their spouse is sad lately. I'm writing this for anyone who is engaged, dating, or ever might be. I'm writing this so that you can feel that it is real, that it happens, & that it ends. You make it through. You learn, you grow, you live happily ever after in the midst of it all. Life is a huge big complicated mess, & you need to consider that when you're considering binding your life with the life of someone else. Marriage is hard, depression or no. But it is always worth it (in my experience, anyway, which is admittedly limited). If each of you is willing to put the love into it. I went through some other big stuff in my life during this depression thing-- I even did the scariest thing I've ever had to do, something I'd been dreading for years & years, among many other things. I started working with International Geek Girl Pen Pals Club. I made deliberate efforts to make more friends. I installed a floor. A lot of life happened, & a lot of it has been super good. & now, here we are, & Jamie is finding himself post-depression. That has its own issues! Haha. The first day that he was really acting like his old happy self again really hit me. He was excited & bubbly & in that moment I realized how much I had changed my approach to him & our relationship. It has been weird to readjust. Mostly so happy! We've both grown through this experience, & are enjoying rediscovering 'normal', even as we both have new & exciting other things going on in life right now as well.

Special thanks to the few people I told about this while it was going on. <3