My husband thinks I should blog more about my personality & what is it like for me, so I figured I'd start with one of the aspects that I feel makes me seem least approachable.
The default state of my mind is analyzing/prioritizing what needs to be done. This is nice because it allows me to put logic into action-- for example, I figure out easily that I should eat lunch before I scrub the kitchen floor, so that I don't get hungry while the floor is wet. My brain is full of planning & consequences & results & contingency plans. (Honestly, not as much of that last. I don't deal as well with changes as I'd like.)
The point is, my brain works by establishing a plan & then following it. Even when I am taking time to relax, it is still part of a plan. I plan to work on typing this until I get hungry, then I shall eat lunch & work on chores. I plan to get x & y task done, so that I can unwind with fun thing z until event a. That is how everything happens for me.
You can tell how important something is to me by how much attention I pay to the details... which seems to come across in the opposite way, sadly. People think I'm being grumpy & ignoring them, when the reality is that I'm just trying to do what I feel is most important, usually because a person is important to me. It often happens that I show up to an event of some sort, & anyone who tries to greet me before I can get my coat off feels brushed off. I just want to get comfortable first, get my hands free, so I have more opportunity to give you my full attention.
No one looks at my degree of concentration & thinks "I really appreciate how seriously she is taking the task at hand". They just think "she must be mad at me".
This gets even worse when there are unanticipated changes. My brain tries to figure out why the changes are there, & how I can best continue to accomplish the task, & my face & tone of voice turn into CRAZY ANGRY WOMAN. I'm not actually crazy angry woman! I'm just trying to operate at optimal efficiency! I promise.
Another way that this aspect of me shows up is sometimes I seem nit-picky. I'll try to suggest a way that a thing could be done, or ask someone why they did a thing they way that they did, & it comes across as nagging or not trusting the person. In reality, I'm just trying to help & to understand. I'm not even necessarily trying to say that my way is the best way! I truly want to hear your opinions & thought process, because you matter to me. My interest in the situation is actually an interest in you, but it is so commonly misinterpreted. (My least favorite part of this is when people assume that I'm mad at my husband. I'm not mad at anyone, my husband understands, please don't make a snarky comment.) It's my way of trying to be involved, which I only bother to try to do when I like you.
Ways for you to work with this facet of how I am:
-Be patient. Let me finish the thing I'm doing before you assume how I feel. Maybe even offer to help me with the thing, if applicable.
-Explain changes in the plan as much as possible. Some people just roll with changes like they don't even exist, but I feel much better the more I know what's going on.
-Plan with me. If I don't seem to be able to engage with you at the moment, tell me that you'd like to talk with me before I leave, or whatever is applicable.
-Ask me straight up how I feel, if you're unsure. I'm always honest. (Even if I actually am mad at you, I will find a way to let you know what is bothering me.)
-Don't take it personally. The most important thing to me is people & my relationships with them, I just show it differently.
Ways for me to try to be 'better':
-I am trying to work on my tone of voice & facial expressions, so I won't seem so upset.
-Maybe I can be more open about communicating why I am so intent on whatever I'm doing, so people see that there is a reason for my determination.
-&/or I could more frequently use phrases like "give me five minutes please" (with a smile) or some such?
-I'm not sure how to become more accepting of change, but I can try to handle it better.
I might just print this out and give it to my colleagues at my next job so they understand how I operate. Seriously, this is something I could have written about myself... the "give me five minutes please" is actually quite helpful. I've been using that when I'm focused on something because I get *extremely* irritated when I am interrupted while doing something that requires a certain level of intention -- in yesterday's case, counting stitches for a crochet project. Jordan totally understood and gave me 10 minutes, and for the most part he understands what to look for to know "where I am" in terms of my focus and attention span.
ReplyDeleteHey, how come I didn't know you had a blog? Adding to RSS feed now!
<3
It is so rewarding to have those people that do understand! <3
DeleteYou probably didn't know about this blog because I abandoned it... but I'm thinking of re-claiming it!
"My least favorite part of this is when people assume that I'm mad at my husband. I'm not mad at anyone, my husband understands, please don't make a snarky comment."
ReplyDeleteTHIS! So much this. Happens too often. And there is no tactful way of saying, "actually, your snarky comment is what is making me mad!"
RIGHT? Like anything I try to reply, I'm terrified they'd misinterpret & think I was proving their point. Ugh.
DeleteI've actually had someone tell me that it bothered them that my husband & I argue so much in front of them. It broke my heart a little, but I have been working really hard during my interactions with them to teach them that that really isn't what is going on.