The Weakest Link

I am good at a lot of things. But most of them have nothing to do with successfully interacting with a group of people in a relaxed social setting. I love being surrounded by people whom I love... but it can feel like my roughest & weakest times. I can fall apart quickly. I get drained by the noise & the interaction. I can get hung up in a bad way if I get interrupted &/or misunderstood.

I tend to be the most introverted person in a group. Also the most literal, the least intuitive, the most detail-oriented, the least afraid of conflict. Oh, & I tend to look/sound like I'm having a bad time, even when I'm not. So when the purpose of a gathering is to just be with people, hang out, have fun... I can get nervous because I feel like the way I am isn't a lot of fun for other people to be around in that context, mostly just because my idea of hanging out & having fun tends to be inherently different from the general consensus.

& THAT'S OKAY. It's okay for groups of people to be okay with talking over each other, glossing over comments that don't actually make any sense, playing a game & arguing about the rules, making spontaneous decisions without thinking through the details, etc. I am by no means trying to say that that sort of thing is BAD. It'd be closer to the truth to say that I'm jealous.

I'd love to be part of that chaos. If I could just laugh & make small talk, I would in a heartbeat. The best I can do is wear a smile & try to just ride the wave.

So there they are, so many people I love, having a great time. & there I am, trying to be a part of that, working to fit in to what comes naturally for them. It is one of the most challenging things for me, but I see it as a way to show love. To show gratitude for someone wanting me to be a part of the group in the first place. To share experiences, to build a relationship, to be present in the lives of others. If I never go to events, will people know that I care about them? When possible, I will spend all the energy I can spare, to be a part of that moment for the ones I love. When it isn't possible, I'm learning to be okay with staying home, trying to trust that there will be other ways for me to engage with their lives.

The more I actually relax at this sort of gathering, the more likely I am to disturb the natural flow. If I relax, I'll try to talk to people beyond surface level, & I'll get frustrated when they interrupt or take what I say the wrong way. I'll try to help someone understand something that wasn't explained well, & everyone will look impatient & wonder why I bother. I'll ask a question to try to figure something out, & people will act like I'm worried about something stupid.
"It's okay", they say, & they try to calm me down (which feels weird, since I am calm). They change the subject, when all I really want is to resolve the issue, for us to understand each other. But that's not the point of the gathering for them.

& that's okay.