Sometimes it feels like we're being totally surrounded by superhero movies. & it doesn't look like that is set to change any time soon! I'm not really much of a theater-goer, & not generally the sort who feels like going out & trying new things (perfectly happy with my sofa & the same movies I've already seen a dozen times, thank you very much), but superhero movies are among the most likely to draw me out of my cave, willing to take a chance. I tend to think of myself as having pretty simple tastes (good vs evil, explosions, interesting characters, yes please)... but then again, sometimes I find myself being the picky one (awkward pacing, loose ends, forced romances, bleh).
My husband is much more the type to go have an experience just because it's new, & the type to enjoy a film with very few complaints. He's also the sort who is perfectly happy to only see a thing once, & would probably be bored if you suggested a re-watch within six years. So it's very interesting to me to see movies with him & compare our thoughts afterwards. Uhhhhh, & this whole paragraph doesn't have anything to do with me ranking & talking about Marvel movies in the rest of this post. *sheepish smirk*
So! Yeah! That's what I'm actually setting out to do: list out the MCU movies in order of how much I personally like them.
There are only two I haven't yet seen, which is impressive to me: The Incredible Hulk, & Captain America: The Winter Soldier. When The Incredible Hulk came out, we didn't really know yet that this was all going to be one big thing together, & it felt a bit odd to have a new Hulk movie that felt so soon after the last one, so yeah it kind of just slipped under my radar. I like Edward Norton, but I've embraced Mark Ruffalo as Hulk now, & it seems to be okay that I not prioritize seeing The Incredible Hulk. I really do want to see The Winter Soldier. I've heard great things. It seems like an important piece of the whole story. I've seen little spoiler bits & discussions all over the internet. People have a lot of feels about it. I'm pretty fond of Cap's first movie. Buuuuuut my husband had a chance to go see it (without me), & Captain America is his favorite Avenger, so I don't begrudge him the slightest bit! Just kinda meant that he wasn't eager to take me to see it afterwards, & well, I don't go to movies alone & no one else wants to be my date. & I'm totally a cheapskate on top of that. So really, the fact that I've managed to have seen every one but those two in theaters seems like a big deal to me!
ALERT: There will be spoilers. Just tiny ones, really, a couple references to basic plot stuff.
DISCLAIMER: I am not super into any of the comics. I have read some! But I don't follow them, & I don't really compare the movies to them. Pretty detached, for me.
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1. Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3
I am just shamelessly going to lump these together as my top slot. Tony is my favorite. I basically love everything about the character. I have a history of adoring brash arrogant characters who can back it up. Intelligence + riches = fancy tech? All of the YESSSSSS. Being mostly awesome, but not very good with people, yet learning to try to work past that? Utterly relate-able, please give me extra helpings of that. JARVIS is fantastic, I'd watch a Jarvis movie. You've got Penny too, who is cool. Lots of action, lots of explosions, lots of one-liners, & did I mention I like arrogant characters & fancy tech? Yes I did. (I don't really understand all of the hate for Iron Man 2. Sorta, maybe, conceptually? But to me, it's just fun, TonyStark-centric fun, & I will still chose that over most of the rest of the MCU. There's big guns! There's a dash of military stuff! There's a BIRD! C'mon, it's fun. It's pretty, it's flashy-- you can send me huge, thought-out, perfectly-reasonable pages & pages of Why Iron Man 2 isn't a Great Film, & I'll happily read it then happily go on liking it.)
2. Avengers: Age of Ultron
Kind of surprising myself by letting this one this high on the list. I think it's mostly because it made me think. You've got my man Tony Stark, you've got him making choices that no one else likes, & everyone who watches it has to think about who/what is right. What risks are acceptable? How many means are justified by what ends? Yet, in an entirely good way, the movie itself doesn't dwell too much on that. It's mostly just an almost-over-the-top flashy action movie. I liked the pacing, I liked the balance of character-development vs fighting/battling/problem-solving, I liked the big fancy crazy special effects stuff. I had a couple complaints about little things (Whedon-y things?), but it's pretty forgivable.
3. Captain America: The First Avenger
My man's preference for Cap might give me a bit of a soft spot. I'm not sure. But I like that this movie can afford to take itself a bit seriously. It's a pretty classic tale of Good Guy Saves the World, but the Good Guy really is a good guy, which is precious. The 1942 setting is a pleasure, giving some pre-measured weight to balance the flashy sci-fi sparkle. Plus you get Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving, & Stanley Tucci. All in all, this movie is like a fun bedtime story.
4. Ant-Man
The new guy! Just saw this movie last night! It's mostly a heist movie, which wins a lot of points in my book, even if it doesn't dwell over much on all of the fun heisty deeeetaaaiiiiils. It makes up for that by having a nice training montage portion. It's not too big on the elaborate fights & gratuitous explosions, but it has gobs of pretty nice CGI. Let's just say that you get to explore some really neat places & perspectives & possibilities. It's predictable, but a good time! & that guy has some nice stubble. *cough*
5. Guardians of the Galaxy
Space! Aliens! This one is pretty much a crowd pleaser; it may look pretty low on the list, but not because I don't like it. I truly did consider placing this over Ant-Man, maybe even over Cap. I think the middle of my list might be something that flexes according to my mood, so overall I'm putting it right here, though I'm sure some days I'd be like "I really just want to watch Groot & Drax". Who wouldn't want to watch Groot & Drax? I never really like Gamora, but... that's okay. GotG is very entertaining, with not much to complain about. Unless you'd rather see an Avenger.
6. Marvel's The Avengers
Complicated emotion. The thing is... I... well... Loki is pretty boring. *waits to be stoned to death by mobs of ladies* If you're thinking "but Val, he's an arrogant character! your favorite!", wellllllll he's whiny & I have no sympathy at all & he's not even cute. He doesn't really have layers. He pretends to have layers, then he just is boring... he's childish & I don't see the appeal. So uh, other than that, it had some fun character interaction & fights, & I'm up for a rewatch if that's what other people want to do, but I probably won't seek it out on my own much. It's more fun with friends, you can laugh & debate favorite Avengers, ooh & ahhh at things... but I would prefer if it wasn't quite so Loki-Tesseract-Wormhole-Chitauri-Spaaaaaaace. Y'know? The pacing felt a bit weird to me.
*one lonely cricket chirping*
7. Thor
I thought I liked Thor. Honestly, Thor would probably actually be over The Avengers, if Thor had Iron Man in it. Haha. I enjoy the Earth parts of Thor, & I like Heimdall, but when the focus goes to Loki & Asgard, I start to get distracted. The film's balance of Earth/Asgard never felt right to me. But, I still like to watch it sometimes. I like all of the "who is this big crazy weirdo, what is he doing" scenes. I like This Character is Totally out of His/Her Element bits.
8. Thor: The Dark World
Okay, here we are at the very bottom of the list. & I want to make it clear that I like all of the other movies on the list. If brought up in conversation, I would smile & say good things about any one of those other movies. I am not sure if I even like this one. It was flashy! I saw it with good friends, who all enjoyed it, at least a fair amount more than I did! But man, I don't even know, I barely could manage to care about any of it. It felt kind of like a response to Loki's popularity. It felt like too much was going on with the assumption that I was going to care. I'm over distant worlds with their politics, & portals & wormholes. I was not invested in any of it. It felt like maybe it could have held up as a tv episode or something, but a whole movie was a bit much for me. (Kinda like some novels seem like they'd make great short stories.) Eh. Ehhhhhh.
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BONUS CONTENT: Let's Talk about X-Men Movies
I really wanted to talk about X-Men movies. I thought I wanted to rank them, & then rank them amidst the MCU stuff, but when it all comes down to it I think all I really want to say is: I LIKE X-MEN MOVIES.
I like the first one for being a lovely introduction. I like the second one for being Wolverine-centric (he's totally my fave). I like the third for expanding well upon the foundation of the first two. I don't relate to the hate for Origins: Wolverine-- it was pretty zany, but I really do like it just the way it is, just kind of a fun what-if sort of movie (it's like the "midnight snack" of movies, that's how I want to describe it; maybe that'll make some sort of sense to someone besides me, maybe not). First Class is really enjoyable, & Days of Future Past makes me happy.
I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE WOLVERINE. Like, no joke, I was almost uncomfortable watching it, that's how much I didn't like it. It's like someone got upset by how not-true-to-the-comics Origins: Wolverine is, & made their own, fueled by angst. I just want to forget it exists.
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So there you have it! How I feel about most of the Marvel movies. (I saw the 2003 Hulk movie, & the first Fantastic 4 movie, back in the day... I forget almost everything about them... uhhh & then there's Spider-Man? I find all of the Tobey Maguire ones watchable, & own them for when that quirky mood hits, but new stuff, eh, haven't felt like pursuing.) Feel free to toss your comments at me on twitter (@the_valerie!), tell me your ranking, etc-- I like movie chatter!
ETA: I like the Daredevil movie. So there.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Eagles in Flight
It has now been over ten years since I first volunteered at Camp Barnabas; I thought it'd be interesting to look back on it now, having seen some of the path it set me on.
Not a lot else of note happened in 2005-- I got to attend a good number of The Elms concerts, I worked at the Indiana State Fair for a second year, my brother started college, & I went on a mission trip to Kentucky with my youth group to help on home repair projects. Okay, yeah, actually that does sound like a lot! I have definitely spent years thinking 2005 wasn't very eventful besides Barnabas, but I guess Barnabas just outshone the rest for me or something. Interesting.
2004, on the other hand, has always felt like a big deal. I can't even tell you all of it, but a relevant bit was related to Camp Barnabas, so I will mention it. You see, I'd been pushing my youth group for a mission trip for a while. I'm 100% sure there are perspectives I'm missing, but it seemed like no one else cared for the idea. I was led to believe that if I wanted such a thing, I'd need to find one myself, & then maybe it could happen. I had a friend who had been to Camp Barnabas-- I can't remember if I'd seen him mention it & decided to ask for details, or if I'd told him I was looking for a trip for my youth group & he suggested it. (Maybe give me another seven years or so & I'll be ready to write about that friendship.) Either way, he sent me information & I poked around on the internet. Camp Barnabas is a Christian camp for people with special needs, located in the southwest corner of Missouri. Each camper session focuses on a particular set of needs (for example, adults with developmental disabilities have a session, kids with autism have a session, kids with physical disabilities have a session, etc). Each cabin has two staff counselors, who are college-aged folk who are there for the whole summer, & then they get mostly high-school-aged persons as volunteers, who are (in almost every case) each assigned their very own camper, one-on-one, & then of course campers & counselors are part of a cabin, a unit that does almost everything together. I explored different mission trip options, thought about it, prayed about it, & always came back to the Barnabas idea.
I'd never been to a summer camp before. Partly because I knew it cost money & my family didn't have much money, partly because I knew I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers, partly because I didn't seem to have much of a success rate in being friends with girls & obviously my cabin would've been all girls... but my biggest fear was actually that they'd make me get in the pool. No joke. I had this weird idea that swimming was mandatory, a huge part of camp, & I'd end up nearly drowning & being embarrassed in front of the entire campground & crying & stuck in this strange place with people I probably wouldn't like in the first place.
Uhhhhhh yeah, camp isn't actually like that, but how was I to know? (ISTJ childhood...)
So anyway, the point is I approached my youth group with the idea & they said yes. Once again, I must be missing so much perspective. I only have my very own side of the story, so I'm very limited, but I can present you with the facts... I knew about what time frame we should have settled on what week we wanted to go, so we could all get our applications sent in. It wasn't happening. No one wanted to talk about it with me. I had to corner people individually & ask them what weeks wouldn't work for them, & put all of that together myself to come up with when we should go. (Turns out we couldn't go the same time as my friend would be returning. :-() The term that ended up being most optimal was called Eagles in Flight.
More facts... it turns out the rest of my youth group was talking about it, but behind my back. They decided that they didn't want to go. They were very intimidated by the idea of working with people with special needs. They decided to plan a trip to Kentucky, where they could do construction things instead. I will probably never know why they couldn't just talk to me about it, or when they planned to break it to me (obviously they'd have had to at some point), but it ended up being very painful for me, & impacted my relationships with everyone involved, & changed how I thought about friendship overall. The breaking point was when we were having a sleepover at the church, & I caught people avoiding my gaze, & conversations ending when I entered the room. If you know me, you know I have zero intuition, so you can count on these things being pretty obvious for me to have noticed at all. I told them I was leaving if no one would talk to me about what was going on, & they kept telling me they'd tell me "later", so I called my mom & had her come get me. I was sobbing & in the passenger seat before one brave soul (I'll always love him for this moment) decided to give me a bit of a synopsis of what it was all about. I still get choked up thinking about it, wondering why the group would rather scar our friendships for life than have a conversation. I can tell you that I still love & respect the adults who were in charge, & I stuck with the whole group for years after this event, but when I think "youth group" I think of the time they nearly unanimously decided that telling me the truth would be worse than making me feel cast out. (I also think of pizza, bowling, camping, the first time I saw The Elms, that time we all watched the 1998 Les Miserables movie & people thought it was going to be about the French Revolution... but yeah, my perspective on all of it is colored by how they treated me when it mattered most to me.)
Not long after that, the leaders did pull me aside for a talk. They sounded so scared, so delicate. But I was so relieved. Sure the truth can hurt sometimes, but when the not-telling is becoming torturous to the person you're "sparing", at least then you should be able to present it as if it matters. I can give them the benefit of the doubt, I can believe they just cared about my feelings. But there was so much more involved than feelings. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about how I feel about people trying to spare my feelings when what I need is to know the facts so I can decide how to feel... *ahem* They did say that the group would help pay my way to Camp Barnabas if I was still going to go. So that was nice. The youth group started taking on the church's custodial duties in exchange for funds for my Barnabas trip + everyone's Kentucky trip, which was pretty cool. So that's how it happened that my mom & I ended up going to Missouri together, a rather convoluted trail of choices & efforts.
Eagles in Flight is the session for kids with chronic illness, cancer, or burns. I was a bit terrified. Also in 2004, I watched a grandmother die of cancer. So it seemed a bit fitting, yet also dreadful. How could I relate to these campers? How would I know how to best help them? But I knew I wanted to try, I wanted to grow, I felt like I was meant to go. To me the most comforting fact was knowing that the camp did this all the time. They'd been around for years letting teenagers have these responsibilities, & they accepted my application, so surely I could handle it if the others could that had. (More ISTJ principles!)
On our way to the camp, we stopped at Lambert's Cafe, which remains my favorite restaurant of all time, plus we stopped at the home where Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote the Little House books which was really lovely. Missouri is so beautiful! We were also going to go to a rodeo, but that didn't pan out. The morning we set out, we stopped at the best Dairy Queen in the world (Spencer, IN!) for breakfast. Yes, they serve breakfast, full beautiful breakfast. (Though I just had potatoes & tea.) When we arrived in Sikeston, MO (where Lambert's is) & tried to find our hotel, we got lost. We stopped at a gas station & mom asked for directions; they told her that it was all the way on the other side of town... which was actually very close, & we had a good laugh about that. Hey, we're from Indianapolis, where getting to the other side of town can take you an hour easy.
Arriving at camp was just about the most excited+scared I've ever been. Knowing how adaptable, spontaneous, & learn-things-as-I-go I have NEVER been... it was pretty fascinating. I was clutching to what I knew I was supposed to do, which was go up to The Fish House to get my cabin assignment, info packet, & t-shirt. I was assigned to B4... B meaning it's a boys cabin. Having a tendency for more female volunteers than male, it does happen sometimes that a girl ends up working with boys. I hadn't dared to hope I'd get to be one of those, but I was pretty excited. (I probably owe you a whole 'nother blog post to give you background on my history with girls to help back this up. Just trust me for now, okay?) They've got a special cabin just for the female volunteers who are working with boys, so there's no mixed-gender sleeping areas, but I barely even saw those other girls.
The first 24ish hours are for orientation. We got to hear about all sorts of things, from feeding tubes to wheelchair etiquette. In another weird it-was-possible-but-not-common-so-I-hadn't-really-thought-about-it happening, I wasn't going to be working with any of that at all, in fact. Eagles in Flight also makes room for a couple cabins of deaf/hearing-impaired campers, & I'd been assigned to one of those. I had taken American Sign Language my last year of school, not being super fluent or anything but evidently much more suitable for a signing cabin than most volunteers. The cabin leaders were skilled in ASL, my fellow volunteers ranged from comfortable signers to having only had a bit of exposure, & we had an interpreter assigned to work with us to help bridge the gaps. The interpreter & I were the only females of the group. All of our campers were pre-teen or teenagers. There were cochlear implants, hearing aids, & all-natural non-hearing ears. There was one autistic, there was one ADD, there was one with a learning disability. The camper to whom I was assigned was one of a trio of boys who were good friends who attended camp together each year, they all were in their young teens & had cochlear implants.
Camp felt like a whole 'nother world, & the deaf members were like a subculture of that. It actually felt like a rather good way to be introduced to what Camp Barnabas was generally like, as a part of it & yet kind of separate-- most of camp was geared up to accommodate the wheelchairs & medical needs, just with an ASL interpreter tossed over to the side. We weren't much pressured to sing the songs that I was still learning, participate in the responsive chants that took me a while to grasp, or care when campers would take the stage to sing a song during mealtime, for example. I got to witness weird camp traditions without any expectations of participation, which was the best thing that could have happened to me. ;-) There's a tradition for birthdays. There's a thing involving marching around with forks... yeah... Sometimes there'd be an attempt to interpret things for our campers, but for some things it would've taken too much explanation & just... still wouldn't really have carried over. For example, a lot of the chants = shouting a thing that rhymes with the thing the other person said. You can to an extent explain rhyming to people who'll never hear it, but you'll still feel goofy signing out the response when it feels like the meaning is stripped away. They can see that your mouth makes closely matching shapes; for example, "how now brown cow" is a favorite of mine, to be chanted following whenever a speaker says "now", but no matter how fun it is to sign out "how now brown cow", when you take away the sounds you're just tossing large animals into the situation for no particular reason.
My camper was actually late. Typically, the campers arrive in time for dinner, a bit of settling-in, & then a party before bedtime. Mine didn't arrive until the first activity the next day. Canoeing! They put me in the middle of a canoe between my camper & one of his buddies, & you don't take cochlear implants anywhere near water activities, so my first interactions with my camper, & my first activity ever, I spent barely communicating with anyone. It was kind of hilarious. We dropped a paddle at one point, & the campers immediately turned to me for direction of what to do, & I'm like... I don't know, can we grab it? We did in fact rescue it. & we saw some animals. Snake & turtle are both pretty memorable signs.
Another of my favorite stories is our cabin flag. For an activity period, you get to paint a piece of fabric (I think it was a portion of bed sheet), after having as a group decided on a design. With deaf teenage boys, it's a challenge & an adventure to try to communicate anything as a group! But it worked out really well, a lot of teamwork & different people contributing in the ways that suited them best. It was determined that we wanted a cross, a snake, & flames, so my camper drew the initial snake design, I helped our colorblind lead counselor blend paints to make the colors we'd need, some hands did the detail work while some hands filled in the large gaps. The result was fantastic.
The activity immediately following was the high ropes course. Not needing much counselor involvement for that, & my camper being rather independent & reliable anyway, it was decided that I would stay back & help clean paintbrushes with our lead counselor & we'd catch up with the rest of our cabin at high ropes after that. That's when I learned a bit about myself-- I like to clean paintbrushes, & I love to do the little tedious generally-disliked tasks, helping behind the scenes to help the whole work more smoothly. <3 I was introduced to the custom of some folk leaving their painted hand prints on the side of The Lodge, which was old & dilapidated even then-- I'd be surprised if it's left standing now, as it was pretty expected to collapse even when I was there. But for however long, it had my mark on it. On our way to meet up with the others, the lead counselor & I had conversation including him complimenting my work ethic & encouraging me to apply for summer staff the next year. I felt like I was right where I should be.
There's an award at the end of each session, I can't remember the name of it... part of the problem is it's an acronym, but it's actually an incorrect acronym. Anyway, a boy cabin & a girl cabin get chosen, based on good behavior & things like "enthusiasm" (I'm 98% sure that was part of the acronym). & we were chosen as the champion boy cabin! Basically all it meant was we got to have cookies & ice cream in a little private after-party while everyone else headed off to get ready for bed. The plates were styrofoam, & if you're holding a styrofoam plate you can feel it vibrate when people talk. That's one of the most memorable observations I picked up from spending a week working with my deaf boys, & I remember that night each time I use disposable tableware. There was someone there, I think she was a counselor with the winning girl cabin but I'm not sure; she came up to me, said I stood out to her but she didn't know why, she just felt like she should lay hands on me & pray for me. I think it was another sign that yes, camp was a thing that needed to be a part of me, & I needed to be a part of it.
That feeling was pretty much my entire week. I knew I was truly helpful, I was part of a team, there was hard work but we had a blast & everyone helped everyone. There were moments of real connections. Iron sharpened iron. I don't remember what the actual cause was, but right at the end of the session when campers were starting to leave, something happened that did quite disrupt that feeling, & I felt... I barely remember specifically now, but I felt left out & I felt like I wasn't contributing. I was probably mostly just exhausted! I got up super early each morning to shower & have some time alone, but other than that I was surrounded all day each day by other people, & struggling to communicate in another language for most of the day, & just all of the activity & emotion & jeez yeah it's a wonder I held up at all. I discovered a whole side of myself that could do just about anything if it was what was needed; I fell madly in love with camp & it drew strength from me I never knew I had. But for some reason there at the very end, I was hurt. I don't know if it was evident or not. But our interpreter lady pulled me aside, & without a word she took a ring off of her own hand & placed it in mine. Her action & her expression told me that I mattered, & that blew all of the hurt aside.
Each of the next two years, I returned to Camp Barnabas for two sessions, & there were always those moments of knowing undoubtedly that my love of camp was something special. The volunteer coordinator remembered me, & trusted me in unique situations that came up. One of the other year-round staff made it a point to tell me that in all the years he had been there, he'd only seen one other person "glow" at camp like I did. I continued to be the one who would chop carrots, fetch scissors, dance with a little boy; whatever was needed people knew I could be asked, & that is absolutely one of my favorite feelings I've ever had. I went on to be that person at multiple other camps (some Christian, some special needs) in various positions (kitchen staff, program leader, etc), always finding that feeling of love & home & meaning, & those weird little opportunities to step into tasks when others wouldn't. Always signs that as much as other people love camp, somehow it's different with me. It's my passion like nothing else is, evident enough that people feel compelled to say something to me about it.
(As I've mentioned on this blog before, similar things happen when I go to concerts. Not quite to the same degree, but concerts are special to me.)
Camp was the best thing, & I'm thankful for the years I got to spend making it the focus of my efforts. I picked up jobs to pay my way. I quit jobs to go spend my time at camp. There was literal blood, sweat, & tears involved in not only working at camps but in the circumstances it took to get there. I think all together it made up the majority of my "coming of age", or just plain "growing up", whatever you want to call it. My resume is pretty pitiful as a result! I'm very thankful for my mom, who accepted my decision to not go to college, drove me to other states, & never pressured me to settle on something more "permanent" instead of living summer to summer. The older I get, the more I see that my mom did things that I'm sure many moms wouldn't have, & she gave me the opportunities in those formative weird tough teenage years to grow in the ways that felt right to me.
I still hope to someday be involved full-time with a camp. It's a life goal. But I have reached a point where I am sure that right now being a wife, in this house, in this community, with this church, is the right thing, instead of chasing camp. I might have raised kids by the time I return to camp, but I am convinced that someday circumstances may grant me opportunity to pursue that dream. Until then, I truly am happy here. As time passes, I find myself forgetting more & more details of my camp stories, but the lessons & feelings stay with me & will always be anchors to parts of my truest self.
Not a lot else of note happened in 2005-- I got to attend a good number of The Elms concerts, I worked at the Indiana State Fair for a second year, my brother started college, & I went on a mission trip to Kentucky with my youth group to help on home repair projects. Okay, yeah, actually that does sound like a lot! I have definitely spent years thinking 2005 wasn't very eventful besides Barnabas, but I guess Barnabas just outshone the rest for me or something. Interesting.
2004, on the other hand, has always felt like a big deal. I can't even tell you all of it, but a relevant bit was related to Camp Barnabas, so I will mention it. You see, I'd been pushing my youth group for a mission trip for a while. I'm 100% sure there are perspectives I'm missing, but it seemed like no one else cared for the idea. I was led to believe that if I wanted such a thing, I'd need to find one myself, & then maybe it could happen. I had a friend who had been to Camp Barnabas-- I can't remember if I'd seen him mention it & decided to ask for details, or if I'd told him I was looking for a trip for my youth group & he suggested it. (Maybe give me another seven years or so & I'll be ready to write about that friendship.) Either way, he sent me information & I poked around on the internet. Camp Barnabas is a Christian camp for people with special needs, located in the southwest corner of Missouri. Each camper session focuses on a particular set of needs (for example, adults with developmental disabilities have a session, kids with autism have a session, kids with physical disabilities have a session, etc). Each cabin has two staff counselors, who are college-aged folk who are there for the whole summer, & then they get mostly high-school-aged persons as volunteers, who are (in almost every case) each assigned their very own camper, one-on-one, & then of course campers & counselors are part of a cabin, a unit that does almost everything together. I explored different mission trip options, thought about it, prayed about it, & always came back to the Barnabas idea.
I'd never been to a summer camp before. Partly because I knew it cost money & my family didn't have much money, partly because I knew I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers, partly because I didn't seem to have much of a success rate in being friends with girls & obviously my cabin would've been all girls... but my biggest fear was actually that they'd make me get in the pool. No joke. I had this weird idea that swimming was mandatory, a huge part of camp, & I'd end up nearly drowning & being embarrassed in front of the entire campground & crying & stuck in this strange place with people I probably wouldn't like in the first place.
Uhhhhhh yeah, camp isn't actually like that, but how was I to know? (ISTJ childhood...)
So anyway, the point is I approached my youth group with the idea & they said yes. Once again, I must be missing so much perspective. I only have my very own side of the story, so I'm very limited, but I can present you with the facts... I knew about what time frame we should have settled on what week we wanted to go, so we could all get our applications sent in. It wasn't happening. No one wanted to talk about it with me. I had to corner people individually & ask them what weeks wouldn't work for them, & put all of that together myself to come up with when we should go. (Turns out we couldn't go the same time as my friend would be returning. :-() The term that ended up being most optimal was called Eagles in Flight.
More facts... it turns out the rest of my youth group was talking about it, but behind my back. They decided that they didn't want to go. They were very intimidated by the idea of working with people with special needs. They decided to plan a trip to Kentucky, where they could do construction things instead. I will probably never know why they couldn't just talk to me about it, or when they planned to break it to me (obviously they'd have had to at some point), but it ended up being very painful for me, & impacted my relationships with everyone involved, & changed how I thought about friendship overall. The breaking point was when we were having a sleepover at the church, & I caught people avoiding my gaze, & conversations ending when I entered the room. If you know me, you know I have zero intuition, so you can count on these things being pretty obvious for me to have noticed at all. I told them I was leaving if no one would talk to me about what was going on, & they kept telling me they'd tell me "later", so I called my mom & had her come get me. I was sobbing & in the passenger seat before one brave soul (I'll always love him for this moment) decided to give me a bit of a synopsis of what it was all about. I still get choked up thinking about it, wondering why the group would rather scar our friendships for life than have a conversation. I can tell you that I still love & respect the adults who were in charge, & I stuck with the whole group for years after this event, but when I think "youth group" I think of the time they nearly unanimously decided that telling me the truth would be worse than making me feel cast out. (I also think of pizza, bowling, camping, the first time I saw The Elms, that time we all watched the 1998 Les Miserables movie & people thought it was going to be about the French Revolution... but yeah, my perspective on all of it is colored by how they treated me when it mattered most to me.)
Not long after that, the leaders did pull me aside for a talk. They sounded so scared, so delicate. But I was so relieved. Sure the truth can hurt sometimes, but when the not-telling is becoming torturous to the person you're "sparing", at least then you should be able to present it as if it matters. I can give them the benefit of the doubt, I can believe they just cared about my feelings. But there was so much more involved than feelings. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about how I feel about people trying to spare my feelings when what I need is to know the facts so I can decide how to feel... *ahem* They did say that the group would help pay my way to Camp Barnabas if I was still going to go. So that was nice. The youth group started taking on the church's custodial duties in exchange for funds for my Barnabas trip + everyone's Kentucky trip, which was pretty cool. So that's how it happened that my mom & I ended up going to Missouri together, a rather convoluted trail of choices & efforts.
Eagles in Flight is the session for kids with chronic illness, cancer, or burns. I was a bit terrified. Also in 2004, I watched a grandmother die of cancer. So it seemed a bit fitting, yet also dreadful. How could I relate to these campers? How would I know how to best help them? But I knew I wanted to try, I wanted to grow, I felt like I was meant to go. To me the most comforting fact was knowing that the camp did this all the time. They'd been around for years letting teenagers have these responsibilities, & they accepted my application, so surely I could handle it if the others could that had. (More ISTJ principles!)
On our way to the camp, we stopped at Lambert's Cafe, which remains my favorite restaurant of all time, plus we stopped at the home where Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote the Little House books which was really lovely. Missouri is so beautiful! We were also going to go to a rodeo, but that didn't pan out. The morning we set out, we stopped at the best Dairy Queen in the world (Spencer, IN!) for breakfast. Yes, they serve breakfast, full beautiful breakfast. (Though I just had potatoes & tea.) When we arrived in Sikeston, MO (where Lambert's is) & tried to find our hotel, we got lost. We stopped at a gas station & mom asked for directions; they told her that it was all the way on the other side of town... which was actually very close, & we had a good laugh about that. Hey, we're from Indianapolis, where getting to the other side of town can take you an hour easy.
Arriving at camp was just about the most excited+scared I've ever been. Knowing how adaptable, spontaneous, & learn-things-as-I-go I have NEVER been... it was pretty fascinating. I was clutching to what I knew I was supposed to do, which was go up to The Fish House to get my cabin assignment, info packet, & t-shirt. I was assigned to B4... B meaning it's a boys cabin. Having a tendency for more female volunteers than male, it does happen sometimes that a girl ends up working with boys. I hadn't dared to hope I'd get to be one of those, but I was pretty excited. (I probably owe you a whole 'nother blog post to give you background on my history with girls to help back this up. Just trust me for now, okay?) They've got a special cabin just for the female volunteers who are working with boys, so there's no mixed-gender sleeping areas, but I barely even saw those other girls.
The first 24ish hours are for orientation. We got to hear about all sorts of things, from feeding tubes to wheelchair etiquette. In another weird it-was-possible-but-not-common-so-I-hadn't-really-thought-about-it happening, I wasn't going to be working with any of that at all, in fact. Eagles in Flight also makes room for a couple cabins of deaf/hearing-impaired campers, & I'd been assigned to one of those. I had taken American Sign Language my last year of school, not being super fluent or anything but evidently much more suitable for a signing cabin than most volunteers. The cabin leaders were skilled in ASL, my fellow volunteers ranged from comfortable signers to having only had a bit of exposure, & we had an interpreter assigned to work with us to help bridge the gaps. The interpreter & I were the only females of the group. All of our campers were pre-teen or teenagers. There were cochlear implants, hearing aids, & all-natural non-hearing ears. There was one autistic, there was one ADD, there was one with a learning disability. The camper to whom I was assigned was one of a trio of boys who were good friends who attended camp together each year, they all were in their young teens & had cochlear implants.
Camp felt like a whole 'nother world, & the deaf members were like a subculture of that. It actually felt like a rather good way to be introduced to what Camp Barnabas was generally like, as a part of it & yet kind of separate-- most of camp was geared up to accommodate the wheelchairs & medical needs, just with an ASL interpreter tossed over to the side. We weren't much pressured to sing the songs that I was still learning, participate in the responsive chants that took me a while to grasp, or care when campers would take the stage to sing a song during mealtime, for example. I got to witness weird camp traditions without any expectations of participation, which was the best thing that could have happened to me. ;-) There's a tradition for birthdays. There's a thing involving marching around with forks... yeah... Sometimes there'd be an attempt to interpret things for our campers, but for some things it would've taken too much explanation & just... still wouldn't really have carried over. For example, a lot of the chants = shouting a thing that rhymes with the thing the other person said. You can to an extent explain rhyming to people who'll never hear it, but you'll still feel goofy signing out the response when it feels like the meaning is stripped away. They can see that your mouth makes closely matching shapes; for example, "how now brown cow" is a favorite of mine, to be chanted following whenever a speaker says "now", but no matter how fun it is to sign out "how now brown cow", when you take away the sounds you're just tossing large animals into the situation for no particular reason.
My camper was actually late. Typically, the campers arrive in time for dinner, a bit of settling-in, & then a party before bedtime. Mine didn't arrive until the first activity the next day. Canoeing! They put me in the middle of a canoe between my camper & one of his buddies, & you don't take cochlear implants anywhere near water activities, so my first interactions with my camper, & my first activity ever, I spent barely communicating with anyone. It was kind of hilarious. We dropped a paddle at one point, & the campers immediately turned to me for direction of what to do, & I'm like... I don't know, can we grab it? We did in fact rescue it. & we saw some animals. Snake & turtle are both pretty memorable signs.
Another of my favorite stories is our cabin flag. For an activity period, you get to paint a piece of fabric (I think it was a portion of bed sheet), after having as a group decided on a design. With deaf teenage boys, it's a challenge & an adventure to try to communicate anything as a group! But it worked out really well, a lot of teamwork & different people contributing in the ways that suited them best. It was determined that we wanted a cross, a snake, & flames, so my camper drew the initial snake design, I helped our colorblind lead counselor blend paints to make the colors we'd need, some hands did the detail work while some hands filled in the large gaps. The result was fantastic.
The activity immediately following was the high ropes course. Not needing much counselor involvement for that, & my camper being rather independent & reliable anyway, it was decided that I would stay back & help clean paintbrushes with our lead counselor & we'd catch up with the rest of our cabin at high ropes after that. That's when I learned a bit about myself-- I like to clean paintbrushes, & I love to do the little tedious generally-disliked tasks, helping behind the scenes to help the whole work more smoothly. <3 I was introduced to the custom of some folk leaving their painted hand prints on the side of The Lodge, which was old & dilapidated even then-- I'd be surprised if it's left standing now, as it was pretty expected to collapse even when I was there. But for however long, it had my mark on it. On our way to meet up with the others, the lead counselor & I had conversation including him complimenting my work ethic & encouraging me to apply for summer staff the next year. I felt like I was right where I should be.
There's an award at the end of each session, I can't remember the name of it... part of the problem is it's an acronym, but it's actually an incorrect acronym. Anyway, a boy cabin & a girl cabin get chosen, based on good behavior & things like "enthusiasm" (I'm 98% sure that was part of the acronym). & we were chosen as the champion boy cabin! Basically all it meant was we got to have cookies & ice cream in a little private after-party while everyone else headed off to get ready for bed. The plates were styrofoam, & if you're holding a styrofoam plate you can feel it vibrate when people talk. That's one of the most memorable observations I picked up from spending a week working with my deaf boys, & I remember that night each time I use disposable tableware. There was someone there, I think she was a counselor with the winning girl cabin but I'm not sure; she came up to me, said I stood out to her but she didn't know why, she just felt like she should lay hands on me & pray for me. I think it was another sign that yes, camp was a thing that needed to be a part of me, & I needed to be a part of it.
That feeling was pretty much my entire week. I knew I was truly helpful, I was part of a team, there was hard work but we had a blast & everyone helped everyone. There were moments of real connections. Iron sharpened iron. I don't remember what the actual cause was, but right at the end of the session when campers were starting to leave, something happened that did quite disrupt that feeling, & I felt... I barely remember specifically now, but I felt left out & I felt like I wasn't contributing. I was probably mostly just exhausted! I got up super early each morning to shower & have some time alone, but other than that I was surrounded all day each day by other people, & struggling to communicate in another language for most of the day, & just all of the activity & emotion & jeez yeah it's a wonder I held up at all. I discovered a whole side of myself that could do just about anything if it was what was needed; I fell madly in love with camp & it drew strength from me I never knew I had. But for some reason there at the very end, I was hurt. I don't know if it was evident or not. But our interpreter lady pulled me aside, & without a word she took a ring off of her own hand & placed it in mine. Her action & her expression told me that I mattered, & that blew all of the hurt aside.
Each of the next two years, I returned to Camp Barnabas for two sessions, & there were always those moments of knowing undoubtedly that my love of camp was something special. The volunteer coordinator remembered me, & trusted me in unique situations that came up. One of the other year-round staff made it a point to tell me that in all the years he had been there, he'd only seen one other person "glow" at camp like I did. I continued to be the one who would chop carrots, fetch scissors, dance with a little boy; whatever was needed people knew I could be asked, & that is absolutely one of my favorite feelings I've ever had. I went on to be that person at multiple other camps (some Christian, some special needs) in various positions (kitchen staff, program leader, etc), always finding that feeling of love & home & meaning, & those weird little opportunities to step into tasks when others wouldn't. Always signs that as much as other people love camp, somehow it's different with me. It's my passion like nothing else is, evident enough that people feel compelled to say something to me about it.
(As I've mentioned on this blog before, similar things happen when I go to concerts. Not quite to the same degree, but concerts are special to me.)
Camp was the best thing, & I'm thankful for the years I got to spend making it the focus of my efforts. I picked up jobs to pay my way. I quit jobs to go spend my time at camp. There was literal blood, sweat, & tears involved in not only working at camps but in the circumstances it took to get there. I think all together it made up the majority of my "coming of age", or just plain "growing up", whatever you want to call it. My resume is pretty pitiful as a result! I'm very thankful for my mom, who accepted my decision to not go to college, drove me to other states, & never pressured me to settle on something more "permanent" instead of living summer to summer. The older I get, the more I see that my mom did things that I'm sure many moms wouldn't have, & she gave me the opportunities in those formative weird tough teenage years to grow in the ways that felt right to me.
I still hope to someday be involved full-time with a camp. It's a life goal. But I have reached a point where I am sure that right now being a wife, in this house, in this community, with this church, is the right thing, instead of chasing camp. I might have raised kids by the time I return to camp, but I am convinced that someday circumstances may grant me opportunity to pursue that dream. Until then, I truly am happy here. As time passes, I find myself forgetting more & more details of my camp stories, but the lessons & feelings stay with me & will always be anchors to parts of my truest self.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Movies to Refresh Your Perspective on Life
Hi friends! Today I'd like to share with you a list of movies that inspire me. Movies that motivate me to make the best of my life, to treat people better, to be a better me, to embrace goodness. Movies that remind me that the world is a beautiful complicated place full of beautiful complicated people, & that my tiny little perspective is constantly needing to be updated.
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-Les Miserables (any version)
This is basically THE story of how everyone has an impact on everyone else, & how you can never judge someone because you don't know what has made them who they are.
-Reign over Me
This is a story about how we're all different people with different problems & different ways of dealing with our problems, & about how important it is to actually communicate with people about things instead of being petty or deciding you already know everything.
-Dead Poets Society
CARPE DIEM. A movie about being yourself & doing the right thing, & letting other people do that too. (& uh, not trying to run your kid's life.)
-Patch Adams
No matter how bad the world is or how bad a situation you're in, you can still find (& be) goodness. Goodness matters.
-The Nun's Story
Sometimes, to do what you're passionate about, you have to struggle against so many other things. You may have to do a lot of things you really don't want to do. You may have people with authority over you making decisions that aren't at all what you want. Your family/friends might not understand what you're doing. Sometimes you yourself might not understand what you're doing. On the surface, this just seems like a story about what it's like to be a nun, but to me it's so much more.
-Up
Man, this is like two great things in one. You've got the first bit of the movie, which is one of my favorite things EVER, & a beautiful illustration of finding joy in life as it comes, celebrating what you have instead of pouting about what you don't. & then you've got the rest of the movie, which is... kind of a reinforcement of the first. Learn to let go of what needs to be gone, learn to adapt & take what shows up.
-An American Tail: Fievel Goes West
I don't know what's out there beyond those hills. But if you ride yonder... head up, eyes steady, heart open... I think one day you'll find that you're the hero you've been looking for.
That Fievel. He finds out that something needs to be done, & he just keeps at it, doing everything he can (but also getting help, because getting help is important) until finally the day is saved. He doesn't get too discouraged or wallow in self-pity or take no for an answer. It's a great example.
-It's a Wonderful Life
I know most people either love this movie, hate this movie, or just plain refuse to see this movie. But it's classic feel-good material. There's nothing wrong with a healthy amount of celebrating the good you've done for others... & being reminded that you should totally ask people for help sometimes. I know I personally can get too caught up in my own feelings of "I can't do this" & forget that I don't have to do it alone.
-A Christmas Carol
I don't really think you'll end up as a chain-laden ghost if you're selfish. But the point is more that not being selfish has its rewards. Connections with other humans is important, & little relational investments go a long way. You can get too comfortable in your little "safe" bubble.
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There's almost definitely more that I'm just not thinking of right now, but these are my go-to films for de-funking my brain. Actually, I don't even usually go to those last two, but maybe I should.
What about you? Do you watch movies to get your head back on straight?
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-Les Miserables (any version)
This is basically THE story of how everyone has an impact on everyone else, & how you can never judge someone because you don't know what has made them who they are.
-Reign over Me
This is a story about how we're all different people with different problems & different ways of dealing with our problems, & about how important it is to actually communicate with people about things instead of being petty or deciding you already know everything.
-Dead Poets Society
CARPE DIEM. A movie about being yourself & doing the right thing, & letting other people do that too. (& uh, not trying to run your kid's life.)
-Patch Adams
No matter how bad the world is or how bad a situation you're in, you can still find (& be) goodness. Goodness matters.
-The Nun's Story
Sometimes, to do what you're passionate about, you have to struggle against so many other things. You may have to do a lot of things you really don't want to do. You may have people with authority over you making decisions that aren't at all what you want. Your family/friends might not understand what you're doing. Sometimes you yourself might not understand what you're doing. On the surface, this just seems like a story about what it's like to be a nun, but to me it's so much more.
-Up
Man, this is like two great things in one. You've got the first bit of the movie, which is one of my favorite things EVER, & a beautiful illustration of finding joy in life as it comes, celebrating what you have instead of pouting about what you don't. & then you've got the rest of the movie, which is... kind of a reinforcement of the first. Learn to let go of what needs to be gone, learn to adapt & take what shows up.
-An American Tail: Fievel Goes West
I don't know what's out there beyond those hills. But if you ride yonder... head up, eyes steady, heart open... I think one day you'll find that you're the hero you've been looking for.
That Fievel. He finds out that something needs to be done, & he just keeps at it, doing everything he can (but also getting help, because getting help is important) until finally the day is saved. He doesn't get too discouraged or wallow in self-pity or take no for an answer. It's a great example.
-It's a Wonderful Life
I know most people either love this movie, hate this movie, or just plain refuse to see this movie. But it's classic feel-good material. There's nothing wrong with a healthy amount of celebrating the good you've done for others... & being reminded that you should totally ask people for help sometimes. I know I personally can get too caught up in my own feelings of "I can't do this" & forget that I don't have to do it alone.
-A Christmas Carol
I don't really think you'll end up as a chain-laden ghost if you're selfish. But the point is more that not being selfish has its rewards. Connections with other humans is important, & little relational investments go a long way. You can get too comfortable in your little "safe" bubble.
-------
There's almost definitely more that I'm just not thinking of right now, but these are my go-to films for de-funking my brain. Actually, I don't even usually go to those last two, but maybe I should.
What about you? Do you watch movies to get your head back on straight?
Monday, March 30, 2015
City Girl
I've lived in the same city my entire life. (Except for a few months at a time spent at various camps or once at Central College.) It is, in fact, the 12th largest city in my whole country, by population. I had my childhood dreams of living out in the wilderness, some farmhouse somewhere, a cabin in the woods, what have you... & there's still a magical beauty to that sort of place that is unmatched by anything else. But as time has gone by, & I've learned more about myself, I've grown more & more in love with where I am. I can no longer imagine being truly happy living away from the pavement & the hustle. To be more specific, I know there are things about living in the middle of nowhere that would appeal to me deeply-- but they aren't what I need. I'd become lazy & stagnant. I'd see the chance to stop caring about people, to stop pushing myself to keep being around them & investing in them & sharing with them, & I am so scared that I would take it. I'd take it & run with it, hiding myself away with my own selfish pursuits. I'd have time to read so many books, to knit everything, to teach myself to draw, to master beautiful songs on piano & guitar, to watch & rewatch everything on Netflix, to cook & bake fantastic things... & I'd probably be happy. But so much potential would be dead, & I'd be a worse person.
In any day of my life here in the city, I am at least thinking of people, if not interacting with any of them. I hear the traffic. Someone brings mail to my porch. My 3DS might get a streetpass or two just sitting around. Loud conversations take place beyond my windows. This keeps me a part of the world, in a way that matters. I pray for these people. I think about what they think, what they accomplish, what they love. I look at how different they are, & how similar.
People are the most important thing.
Even if I never speak to the people in those cars, the postal worker, or the creator of "John" in my 3DS plaza... they are doing me a favor of broadening my mind & my world. They inspire me & remind me how important it is to be involved with the people in my world. I can get a little bit of this from various books/movies/music/games, from really looking at an object & thinking about where it came from, from deliberate use of social media, etc, but it's never as powerful for me as instant human behaviors going on right next to me. I have to be surrounded by life & potential & opportunities, or I'm going to let them pass me by, because not getting involved is "easier". I have to see the beauty of work & pain & laughter & play, to keep my perspective reminded that there are so many other people out there, & they're all as important as I am. No matter how pleased I'd be with a hermit lifestyle, it could never mean as much as meaning something to someone else, & letting them be meaningful to me.
I need sleepovers & game days & birthday parties & crazy things I've never done before.
I've really challenged myself these last couple years or so to make new friends & better care for ones I already had, & it has been amazing. I really have done things I didn't want to do, but those things have been rewarding. I've met remarkable people, & seen new sides of people I already liked. I need these people, I need these experiences, I need to be a part of things or I'll waste away. I need to give of my strengths, & I need to let my weaknesses be okay, too. My comfort zone is important for helping me have boundaries, but all too often it can be misused, as a shield from things that could be so good for me & the people around me.
Of course, my long-distance friendships are also very meaningful, & they challenge/exhaust/renew me in their own ways. But my perspective would be skewed if I chose to let that be my only focus. I can ignore a text, I can hide my feelings. I need to be pushed into situations I can't control, to help me stay real & to watch other people be real. All of my relationships benefit when I am forced to understand new things.
Related reading: Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo
(Oh lands, please, if you don't appreciate the importance of people, read this book right now, & then read it again. Everyone matters.)
Related listening: Jackson Browne's Alive in the World, Guggenheim Grotto's The Universe is Laughing, The Elms' entire Chess Hotel album
In any day of my life here in the city, I am at least thinking of people, if not interacting with any of them. I hear the traffic. Someone brings mail to my porch. My 3DS might get a streetpass or two just sitting around. Loud conversations take place beyond my windows. This keeps me a part of the world, in a way that matters. I pray for these people. I think about what they think, what they accomplish, what they love. I look at how different they are, & how similar.
People are the most important thing.
Even if I never speak to the people in those cars, the postal worker, or the creator of "John" in my 3DS plaza... they are doing me a favor of broadening my mind & my world. They inspire me & remind me how important it is to be involved with the people in my world. I can get a little bit of this from various books/movies/music/games, from really looking at an object & thinking about where it came from, from deliberate use of social media, etc, but it's never as powerful for me as instant human behaviors going on right next to me. I have to be surrounded by life & potential & opportunities, or I'm going to let them pass me by, because not getting involved is "easier". I have to see the beauty of work & pain & laughter & play, to keep my perspective reminded that there are so many other people out there, & they're all as important as I am. No matter how pleased I'd be with a hermit lifestyle, it could never mean as much as meaning something to someone else, & letting them be meaningful to me.
I need sleepovers & game days & birthday parties & crazy things I've never done before.
I've really challenged myself these last couple years or so to make new friends & better care for ones I already had, & it has been amazing. I really have done things I didn't want to do, but those things have been rewarding. I've met remarkable people, & seen new sides of people I already liked. I need these people, I need these experiences, I need to be a part of things or I'll waste away. I need to give of my strengths, & I need to let my weaknesses be okay, too. My comfort zone is important for helping me have boundaries, but all too often it can be misused, as a shield from things that could be so good for me & the people around me.
Of course, my long-distance friendships are also very meaningful, & they challenge/exhaust/renew me in their own ways. But my perspective would be skewed if I chose to let that be my only focus. I can ignore a text, I can hide my feelings. I need to be pushed into situations I can't control, to help me stay real & to watch other people be real. All of my relationships benefit when I am forced to understand new things.
Related reading: Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo
(Oh lands, please, if you don't appreciate the importance of people, read this book right now, & then read it again. Everyone matters.)
Related listening: Jackson Browne's Alive in the World, Guggenheim Grotto's The Universe is Laughing, The Elms' entire Chess Hotel album
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
My Earliest Fandoms
There's this really neat thing going around the internet, called 5 Fandom Friday... & I love some of the prompts... but not all of them, & I don't necessarily want to try to follow them week by week, so uh, I'm just going to sometimes refer to the list & steal the prompts for inspiration. Sorrynotsorry.
So, for my first 5 Fandom Friday inspired post, I'm adapting the very first one they ever did, Gateway Fandoms that Made Me Who I am Today.
My Very First Fandoms would I suppose be the things I had around me for longer than I can even remember, things that were there for my older brother already when I showed up...
-Ghostbusters
-TMNT
-Nintendo
-Disney/otherassortedanimatedflicks
But I'd also like to give a shout-out to some of the things I picked up a bit later (pre-teen years), but have been monumental & stuck with me.
-Star Wars (this was introduced to me & my bro at the same time, when the Special Edition was released- I was nine)
-Batman (our grandma laid out a couple of graphic novels with the intent of letting my bro read them, but I got to them first & it kinda changed my life-- I have no memory of what the bro was busy doing while I wandered off & made this turn of events occur, & maybe I should be sorry, but it was an accident & well uh um I can't be sorry for loving Batman)
-Sherlock Holmes (I won a copy of The Adventures & Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes in a Bingo game on a summer vacation with my extended family)
It's interesting to me to look back on this sort of thing, for multiple reasons.
I can see how they influenced my interests & sense of humor from the start.
I feel really blessed to have had so much in common with my brother, in terms of these sorts of things.
...though I had very little truly in common with most girls around me. (Disney was my girliest interest. I liked stuffed animals & Polly Pocket, but not dolls or horses or makeup or boy bands or etc.)
I am the sort of person who feels most happy with what is most familiar, so this list is still very dear & applicable to me.
So, for my first 5 Fandom Friday inspired post, I'm adapting the very first one they ever did, Gateway Fandoms that Made Me Who I am Today.
My Very First Fandoms would I suppose be the things I had around me for longer than I can even remember, things that were there for my older brother already when I showed up...
-Ghostbusters
-TMNT
-Nintendo
-Disney/otherassortedanimatedflicks
But I'd also like to give a shout-out to some of the things I picked up a bit later (pre-teen years), but have been monumental & stuck with me.
-Star Wars (this was introduced to me & my bro at the same time, when the Special Edition was released- I was nine)
-Batman (our grandma laid out a couple of graphic novels with the intent of letting my bro read them, but I got to them first & it kinda changed my life-- I have no memory of what the bro was busy doing while I wandered off & made this turn of events occur, & maybe I should be sorry, but it was an accident & well uh um I can't be sorry for loving Batman)
-Sherlock Holmes (I won a copy of The Adventures & Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes in a Bingo game on a summer vacation with my extended family)
It's interesting to me to look back on this sort of thing, for multiple reasons.
I can see how they influenced my interests & sense of humor from the start.
I feel really blessed to have had so much in common with my brother, in terms of these sorts of things.
...though I had very little truly in common with most girls around me. (Disney was my girliest interest. I liked stuffed animals & Polly Pocket, but not dolls or horses or makeup or boy bands or etc.)
I am the sort of person who feels most happy with what is most familiar, so this list is still very dear & applicable to me.
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Re: Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games
Hi friends! I've had in mind for a while now to start writing up posts about fictional characters & how I relate to them specifically. Because I think that's really one of the most beautiful things about fiction, really-- all stories are good for helping open our minds to new ideas, but now & then there's something special that draws you in & it's like you get to live more life, in a way.
Disclaimer: you know I like MBTI stuff, & maybe you like MBTI stuff too, but this isn't about typing characters. Part/most of it will be aspects that could be labeled under such terms, but it's not really the point-- I want to keep it more universal, more about anything that makes me feel a connection. (In this case in particular, part of why I relate to Katniss isn't even just about her, but also the characters around her & how she feels about them, & that has nothing to do with MBTI, sorry.)
(I do think Katniss is maybe ISTJ. But I think she suffers a bit from what I like to call Mulan-syndrome: sometimes she's just The Character that the Story Needs Her to Be.)
Disclaimer #2: SPOILERS INCLUDED, okay. I want to be able to get specific. & I figure if you care about how I relate to Katniss, you probably care because you already know about Katniss.
-------
I am not actually sure when I first heard about The Hunger Games. I think someone I know had just found out there was going to be a movie made based on the book, & was looking for someone with whom he could talk about how similar it was/wasn't to Battle Royale (which I have read, more recently, & they really aren't particularly similar except for the bit about kids having to fight to the death). What I do remember is slouching around the ol' apartment & DEVOURING the trilogy in a matter of days. & it's not that they're the greatest books, really. I was actually a bit bugged about at least one particular writing choice, & I still think that the movies are better than the books so far (I've only seen the first two)... but what really got me, what made the story mean a lot to me, was how deeply & how quickly & how specifically it made me feel a connection with Katniss.
One of the first things the story establishes is that Katniss has a best friend, Gale. Gale is a little older than she, they met when she was a younger teen, he's an idealist & gets angered by injustice, they can talk together about everything or nothing, they're always there for each other.
I had a Gale in my life, too, & immediately made that connection.
Katniss cares about injustice & so forth too, she's just super practical about it. She & I don't dwell much on things that we can't affect ourselves. (& we're not out-of-the-box thinkers, so there's not much we DO think we can change in the world.) She/I will do ANYTHING to do what we see needs to be done, like Katniss hunts/sells/lawbreaks/keepshersisterintheclear. Our heart is in doing our absolute best in what we see as our place. It's not that we're lazy, or don't care about the world as a whole, we're just not that broadly ambitious! We'd rather commit to what we see as the most important, analyzing our present circumstance, & dealing with things as they come. We have limited resources, & don't want to lessen the good we can do in our chosen little causes by trying to do more good in more places. It's a weakness/strength.
Then, before too long, we meet Peeta. It didn't take me long to identify him with the Peeta in my own life. He cares so much, on a personal level, about everything. Because he sees in everything how it matters to the people around him. He's rarely actually happy, because his happiness is so closely tied to the feelings of everyone else. He doesn't see himself as anything particularly good or special or worthy... as long as there are still people hurting, he'll still feel a need to be better, so that he can help them. He has a way with people, of understanding what is really going on, & knowing what to say. So people listen to him.
I had mixed feelings when the whole love-triangle thing became a thing. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LET A GUY & GIRL BE FRIENDS, I screamed internally. But, let's be real... when I was her age, I thought maybe I'd end up with my Gale. So. It's not so much that I was mad about the trope, as I was mad about my connection to the story getting deeper. Truth is, I've lost my Gale. I knew that no matter what happened to her relationship with him, I was going to have feels about it. I already warned you about spoilers, so I can go ahead & say that when they found him whipped nearly to death, I was about as close to crying over a book as I've ever been in my life. He's not even one of my "favorite characters", he's just one of the most REAL, well real to me anyway. Katniss freaks out & tries to do/feel/think everything, & goes a little crazy feeling helpless. It feels right to me, though I've not quite been in that sort of scenario myself.
One of my favorite things about Katniss is summed up by Peeta: she has no idea, the effect she can have. Ahhhhh, how refreshing to find a character who is oblivious & yet not considered better/worse for being so. There's this whole trend of having the socially-oblivious character be somehow endearing because of this flaw, but I like that it isn't used to make her adorably awkward (well, maybe just to the characters around her, for that bit in the second book), it's just a part of who she is. I can relate to that so much more. It is NOT generally accepted as adorable in real life to be that clueless to social cues. Not having any speck of intuition is NOT CUTE in everyday life. It's hard, & people usually just misinterpret your misunderstanding as something negative that you don't actually mean. So. GREAT to see it not represented as a GOOD THING.
...but somehow, yeah, "the effect she can have". This is where the Mulan-syndrome comes in. Why is Katniss somehow deeply loved/respected by 90% of people, even though she doesn't come across as very nice? Because the story needs her to. But hey, it's kinda flattering, from the perspective of someone who relates to her, haha. (I do feel like, VERY RARELY, I somehow instantly win people over for no particular reason, & it doesn't matter how awful I come across, they see in me the admirable things. But I consider that more of a good thing about them than about me-- their ability to interpret what I really mean has nothing to do with my own efforts.)
She really does need Peeta... she & I both. I married mine, too. We need someone who is nicer than we understand, the kind of nice we wish we could be but have no idea how it functions in real life. We need that buffer, someone who gets along so well with the rest of the world in the ways that we don't, someone who understands the goodness in us that doesn't always translate to others. It's a special teamwork-- they give us a much-needed perspective on the rest of the world, & we try to give them a perspective on their very self.
I think sometimes the story gets it right, that her best moments are when she can be thoughtful in details that make a difference. Trying to think of everything that would make life easier for everyone. Not the big outside-the-box change-the-world thinking, just the little what-can-I-do things. & I see heroism when she tries things outside her comfort zone. There's just a bit of disconnect when she does the occasional big flashy plot-driving thing... but hey, you've got to move a book along somehow. (In a lot of stories, if the main character was like me, it would NOT end the same way at all. ;-) Some huge beast guy says don't go in the West Wing? NO PROBLEM, I'LL BE IN THE LIBRARY.)
-------
So there you have it! The Hunger Games trilogy is special to me because almost everything she thinks/feels/does makes sense to me on a personal level, & I see in her two closest friends two of the people I've loved most in my own life. Her story feels like I could have lived it. Yay for good stories!
Bonus fun facts:
-The second book is by far my favorite of the three
-My favorite characters are actually Cinna & Haymitch
Disclaimer: you know I like MBTI stuff, & maybe you like MBTI stuff too, but this isn't about typing characters. Part/most of it will be aspects that could be labeled under such terms, but it's not really the point-- I want to keep it more universal, more about anything that makes me feel a connection. (In this case in particular, part of why I relate to Katniss isn't even just about her, but also the characters around her & how she feels about them, & that has nothing to do with MBTI, sorry.)
(I do think Katniss is maybe ISTJ. But I think she suffers a bit from what I like to call Mulan-syndrome: sometimes she's just The Character that the Story Needs Her to Be.)
Disclaimer #2: SPOILERS INCLUDED, okay. I want to be able to get specific. & I figure if you care about how I relate to Katniss, you probably care because you already know about Katniss.
-------
I am not actually sure when I first heard about The Hunger Games. I think someone I know had just found out there was going to be a movie made based on the book, & was looking for someone with whom he could talk about how similar it was/wasn't to Battle Royale (which I have read, more recently, & they really aren't particularly similar except for the bit about kids having to fight to the death). What I do remember is slouching around the ol' apartment & DEVOURING the trilogy in a matter of days. & it's not that they're the greatest books, really. I was actually a bit bugged about at least one particular writing choice, & I still think that the movies are better than the books so far (I've only seen the first two)... but what really got me, what made the story mean a lot to me, was how deeply & how quickly & how specifically it made me feel a connection with Katniss.
One of the first things the story establishes is that Katniss has a best friend, Gale. Gale is a little older than she, they met when she was a younger teen, he's an idealist & gets angered by injustice, they can talk together about everything or nothing, they're always there for each other.
I had a Gale in my life, too, & immediately made that connection.
Katniss cares about injustice & so forth too, she's just super practical about it. She & I don't dwell much on things that we can't affect ourselves. (& we're not out-of-the-box thinkers, so there's not much we DO think we can change in the world.) She/I will do ANYTHING to do what we see needs to be done, like Katniss hunts/sells/lawbreaks/keepshersisterintheclear. Our heart is in doing our absolute best in what we see as our place. It's not that we're lazy, or don't care about the world as a whole, we're just not that broadly ambitious! We'd rather commit to what we see as the most important, analyzing our present circumstance, & dealing with things as they come. We have limited resources, & don't want to lessen the good we can do in our chosen little causes by trying to do more good in more places. It's a weakness/strength.
Then, before too long, we meet Peeta. It didn't take me long to identify him with the Peeta in my own life. He cares so much, on a personal level, about everything. Because he sees in everything how it matters to the people around him. He's rarely actually happy, because his happiness is so closely tied to the feelings of everyone else. He doesn't see himself as anything particularly good or special or worthy... as long as there are still people hurting, he'll still feel a need to be better, so that he can help them. He has a way with people, of understanding what is really going on, & knowing what to say. So people listen to him.
I had mixed feelings when the whole love-triangle thing became a thing. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LET A GUY & GIRL BE FRIENDS, I screamed internally. But, let's be real... when I was her age, I thought maybe I'd end up with my Gale. So. It's not so much that I was mad about the trope, as I was mad about my connection to the story getting deeper. Truth is, I've lost my Gale. I knew that no matter what happened to her relationship with him, I was going to have feels about it. I already warned you about spoilers, so I can go ahead & say that when they found him whipped nearly to death, I was about as close to crying over a book as I've ever been in my life. He's not even one of my "favorite characters", he's just one of the most REAL, well real to me anyway. Katniss freaks out & tries to do/feel/think everything, & goes a little crazy feeling helpless. It feels right to me, though I've not quite been in that sort of scenario myself.
One of my favorite things about Katniss is summed up by Peeta: she has no idea, the effect she can have. Ahhhhh, how refreshing to find a character who is oblivious & yet not considered better/worse for being so. There's this whole trend of having the socially-oblivious character be somehow endearing because of this flaw, but I like that it isn't used to make her adorably awkward (well, maybe just to the characters around her, for that bit in the second book), it's just a part of who she is. I can relate to that so much more. It is NOT generally accepted as adorable in real life to be that clueless to social cues. Not having any speck of intuition is NOT CUTE in everyday life. It's hard, & people usually just misinterpret your misunderstanding as something negative that you don't actually mean. So. GREAT to see it not represented as a GOOD THING.
...but somehow, yeah, "the effect she can have". This is where the Mulan-syndrome comes in. Why is Katniss somehow deeply loved/respected by 90% of people, even though she doesn't come across as very nice? Because the story needs her to. But hey, it's kinda flattering, from the perspective of someone who relates to her, haha. (I do feel like, VERY RARELY, I somehow instantly win people over for no particular reason, & it doesn't matter how awful I come across, they see in me the admirable things. But I consider that more of a good thing about them than about me-- their ability to interpret what I really mean has nothing to do with my own efforts.)
She really does need Peeta... she & I both. I married mine, too. We need someone who is nicer than we understand, the kind of nice we wish we could be but have no idea how it functions in real life. We need that buffer, someone who gets along so well with the rest of the world in the ways that we don't, someone who understands the goodness in us that doesn't always translate to others. It's a special teamwork-- they give us a much-needed perspective on the rest of the world, & we try to give them a perspective on their very self.
I think sometimes the story gets it right, that her best moments are when she can be thoughtful in details that make a difference. Trying to think of everything that would make life easier for everyone. Not the big outside-the-box change-the-world thinking, just the little what-can-I-do things. & I see heroism when she tries things outside her comfort zone. There's just a bit of disconnect when she does the occasional big flashy plot-driving thing... but hey, you've got to move a book along somehow. (In a lot of stories, if the main character was like me, it would NOT end the same way at all. ;-) Some huge beast guy says don't go in the West Wing? NO PROBLEM, I'LL BE IN THE LIBRARY.)
-------
So there you have it! The Hunger Games trilogy is special to me because almost everything she thinks/feels/does makes sense to me on a personal level, & I see in her two closest friends two of the people I've loved most in my own life. Her story feels like I could have lived it. Yay for good stories!
Bonus fun facts:
-The second book is by far my favorite of the three
-My favorite characters are actually Cinna & Haymitch
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Casplay Prep Thoughts
I'm going to a comic convention this weekend. After my very first con experience last year, I made it a goal to develop at least one costume that I would really like & enjoy & that would suit me & so forth. I found out about this weekend's con with not a lot of prep time & not a lot of money... so I picked something I thought could be simple/cheap & decided to aim for it. Castiel from Supernatural. Aw yeah.
I did a bit of searching to see what sort of things had already been done by lady folk in this venture, & I have to say, I was disappointed. I am a firm believer in DO WHAT YOU WANT, it's your costume so enjoy it... but... most of what I saw (by which I mean like all but one) seemed to fall into the following categories:
-Look, I'm a Sexy Lady, See How I've Changed Everything from the Original Outfit to Girly Stuff
-I Worked Really Hard on These Wings, ADMIRE MY WINGS
-I Have the Most Authentic Costume Because I Used Makeup to Create Pretend Stubble
So I didn't find much that made me feel like I was joining a rich cultural history of ladies cosplaying as this character. I was able to respect the effort done by the folk in what I saw, but I didn't feel like I related to any of them. I'm just keeping it simple. Castiel isn't girly, you don't see his wings, & his stubble isn't fake... so why would I do any of that? I did get girly shoes, because I will get a lot of use out of them beyond this costume, & I'm going to wear eyeliner + mascara, because intense eyes will work well I think.
Here's what I got, & from whence it came:
-trench coat, Goodwill
-dressy black shoes, Goodwill
-navy blue necktie, Goodwill
-white button-down shirt, borrowing from mom, who got it at a thrift store
-black slacks + blazer, borrowing from mom, who got them at a thrift store
-wings pendant, Michaels (pieces separated, turned into earrings)
-black dress socks, too old to remember source
-mascara, also source unknown
-eyeliner, Target
-hair gel, Target
I wore the earrings for a couple of days to make sure I wouldn't die from how big they are, I've tried on all of the clothes together, & I've made sure I can apply the eyeliner in a way that seems okay to be seen in public (I'm bad at makeup, okay, I'm not like those sassy stylish goa'uld). So I'm pretty excited to see how it all works together! I am telling myself that I will NOT just end up feeling/looking ridiculous. :-l There was another part I really wanted to do that I didn't get done, but I might some other time. It's still a fun idea, but if I do it at all I want to do it as well as possible. I also thought of a way to get the effect of wings, with absolute minimal cost/effort, but I think I want to just leave off wings entirely so it's more like actual Castiel. (...but if you want to know my idea, hit me up!)
I was hoping to be alllllllll caught up on Supernatural before the con, just in case somebody tries to start a conversation with me & is all "SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER", but hey, it's not going to happen. That's okay. We're nearly done with season seven. Mmmmm. (& I already have a lot of spoilers spoiled anyway. Meh. The show is done well enough that it isn't a huge deal. [But I don't like spoilers.])
Next week, I'll probably share about how the con/costume turned out!
I did a bit of searching to see what sort of things had already been done by lady folk in this venture, & I have to say, I was disappointed. I am a firm believer in DO WHAT YOU WANT, it's your costume so enjoy it... but... most of what I saw (by which I mean like all but one) seemed to fall into the following categories:
-Look, I'm a Sexy Lady, See How I've Changed Everything from the Original Outfit to Girly Stuff
-I Worked Really Hard on These Wings, ADMIRE MY WINGS
-I Have the Most Authentic Costume Because I Used Makeup to Create Pretend Stubble
So I didn't find much that made me feel like I was joining a rich cultural history of ladies cosplaying as this character. I was able to respect the effort done by the folk in what I saw, but I didn't feel like I related to any of them. I'm just keeping it simple. Castiel isn't girly, you don't see his wings, & his stubble isn't fake... so why would I do any of that? I did get girly shoes, because I will get a lot of use out of them beyond this costume, & I'm going to wear eyeliner + mascara, because intense eyes will work well I think.
Here's what I got, & from whence it came:
-trench coat, Goodwill
-dressy black shoes, Goodwill
-navy blue necktie, Goodwill
-white button-down shirt, borrowing from mom, who got it at a thrift store
-black slacks + blazer, borrowing from mom, who got them at a thrift store
-wings pendant, Michaels (pieces separated, turned into earrings)
-black dress socks, too old to remember source
-mascara, also source unknown
-eyeliner, Target
-hair gel, Target
I wore the earrings for a couple of days to make sure I wouldn't die from how big they are, I've tried on all of the clothes together, & I've made sure I can apply the eyeliner in a way that seems okay to be seen in public (I'm bad at makeup, okay, I'm not like those sassy stylish goa'uld). So I'm pretty excited to see how it all works together! I am telling myself that I will NOT just end up feeling/looking ridiculous. :-l There was another part I really wanted to do that I didn't get done, but I might some other time. It's still a fun idea, but if I do it at all I want to do it as well as possible. I also thought of a way to get the effect of wings, with absolute minimal cost/effort, but I think I want to just leave off wings entirely so it's more like actual Castiel. (...but if you want to know my idea, hit me up!)
I was hoping to be alllllllll caught up on Supernatural before the con, just in case somebody tries to start a conversation with me & is all "SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER", but hey, it's not going to happen. That's okay. We're nearly done with season seven. Mmmmm. (& I already have a lot of spoilers spoiled anyway. Meh. The show is done well enough that it isn't a huge deal. [But I don't like spoilers.])
Next week, I'll probably share about how the con/costume turned out!
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