I am good at a lot of things. But most of them have nothing to do with successfully interacting with a group of people in a relaxed social setting. I love being surrounded by people whom I love... but it can feel like my roughest & weakest times. I can fall apart quickly. I get drained by the noise & the interaction. I can get hung up in a bad way if I get interrupted &/or misunderstood.
I tend to be the most introverted person in a group. Also the most literal, the least intuitive, the most detail-oriented, the least afraid of conflict. Oh, & I tend to look/sound like I'm having a bad time, even when I'm not. So when the purpose of a gathering is to just be with people, hang out, have fun... I can get nervous because I feel like the way I am isn't a lot of fun for other people to be around in that context, mostly just because my idea of hanging out & having fun tends to be inherently different from the general consensus.
& THAT'S OKAY. It's okay for groups of people to be okay with talking over each other, glossing over comments that don't actually make any sense, playing a game & arguing about the rules, making spontaneous decisions without thinking through the details, etc. I am by no means trying to say that that sort of thing is BAD. It'd be closer to the truth to say that I'm jealous.
I'd love to be part of that chaos. If I could just laugh & make small talk, I would in a heartbeat. The best I can do is wear a smile & try to just ride the wave.
So there they are, so many people I love, having a great time. & there I am, trying to be a part of that, working to fit in to what comes naturally for them. It is one of the most challenging things for me, but I see it as a way to show love. To show gratitude for someone wanting me to be a part of the group in the first place. To share experiences, to build a relationship, to be present in the lives of others. If I never go to events, will people know that I care about them? When possible, I will spend all the energy I can spare, to be a part of
that moment for the ones I love. When it isn't possible, I'm learning to
be okay with staying home, trying to trust that there will be other
ways for me to engage with their lives.
The more I actually relax at this sort of gathering, the more likely I am to disturb the natural flow. If I relax, I'll try to talk to people beyond surface level, & I'll get frustrated when they interrupt or take what I say the wrong way. I'll try to help someone understand something that wasn't explained well, & everyone will look impatient & wonder why I bother. I'll ask a question to try to figure something out, & people will act like I'm worried about something stupid.
"It's okay", they say, & they try to calm me down (which feels weird, since I am calm). They change the subject, when all I really want is to resolve the issue, for us to understand each other. But that's not the point of the gathering for them.
& that's okay.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
ISTJ: The Early Years
Thought I'd share a couple stories from when I was around five to seven years old, that upon looking back strike me as affirmations that I've always been this way.
I remember standing in the hallway looking up at my dad, & I don't remember what sparked it (I think nothing, actually, but won't swear on it), but he accusingly asked me if I'd just rolled my eyes at him. I said that I didn't think so, but don't know what it means. He explained, complete with a demonstration, & I replied that I hadn't done that, but it could look like I did because I have to look up to see him since he's so much taller than I am. I got sent to my room.
I wasn't going to eat cooked carrots, are you crazy? Those are so icky. I was told I'd be sitting at the table until I ate the carrots. I knew that this could not actually happen, as life has many other factors. I had a bedtime. Carrots can mold eventually. My parents wouldn't let me starve, or make me eat moldy food. I sat at the table until told to go to bed. & was never again told to eat vegetables I didn't want. (My mom would give me raw carrots, or some other vegetable that I didn't mind. Good solution.)
I once accidentally said that I didn't know about something that I did in fact know. But as the person I was with explained the thing that I did in fact know, they tossed in some information I hadn't previously known. This led me to a brief phase of playing ignorant in hopes that this tactic would work for more things... but it really didn't, it mostly just got me looked at funny. Thus I decided that deceit was not as rewarding as sometimes made out to be.
My first grade class got a new kid. I described her to my mom as "not as brown" as a particular other classmate, but "more brown" than another.
I remember standing in the hallway looking up at my dad, & I don't remember what sparked it (I think nothing, actually, but won't swear on it), but he accusingly asked me if I'd just rolled my eyes at him. I said that I didn't think so, but don't know what it means. He explained, complete with a demonstration, & I replied that I hadn't done that, but it could look like I did because I have to look up to see him since he's so much taller than I am. I got sent to my room.
I wasn't going to eat cooked carrots, are you crazy? Those are so icky. I was told I'd be sitting at the table until I ate the carrots. I knew that this could not actually happen, as life has many other factors. I had a bedtime. Carrots can mold eventually. My parents wouldn't let me starve, or make me eat moldy food. I sat at the table until told to go to bed. & was never again told to eat vegetables I didn't want. (My mom would give me raw carrots, or some other vegetable that I didn't mind. Good solution.)
I once accidentally said that I didn't know about something that I did in fact know. But as the person I was with explained the thing that I did in fact know, they tossed in some information I hadn't previously known. This led me to a brief phase of playing ignorant in hopes that this tactic would work for more things... but it really didn't, it mostly just got me looked at funny. Thus I decided that deceit was not as rewarding as sometimes made out to be.
My first grade class got a new kid. I described her to my mom as "not as brown" as a particular other classmate, but "more brown" than another.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Bravely Default Demo
I was about to wash dishes, but the sink needs washed even more than the dishes do, so I'm letting it soak in magic cleaning magic. So I'm taking this time to quickly talk to you about the Bravely Default demo.
Bravely Default is a tactical turn-based rpg from Square Enix, for the Nintendo 3DS. It isn't even released yet, but the demo is turning heads.
The thing that Bravely Default wants to present to you as new & shiny is the 'brave' & 'default' elements of the battles. It's basically the ability to hold back a turn (or multiple) to do something more powerful later. It is pretty nifty. But not really life-altering. I don't need life-altering in a turn-based rpg though, they are my favorite. Also, I'm sure it'll be a more significant factor later in the game.
There's also a facet of rebuilding a town, which is pretty much just an add-on but I think it's a fascinating feature with a lot of potential. You can gather workers via Street Pass to help your projects go faster, or you can just plug away with the one lonely worker they grant you to begin. You can also use/help your friends in battle. So social! Much depth! Wow! It feels nice to me that they put a lot of attention into optional features.
The art & music are really beautiful. Allow me to be that girl for a moment: Not only is your team half male & half female, but any character can be any job, & all of the outfits are super cool without being overly sexualized. The ladies' most exaggerated features are their hips & thighs, which I think is so much fun. Everyone wears great hats & boots & has wacky hair-- it's definitely not one of those "here's a warrior, there's a ninja, oh look BOOBS that one is a girl" sort of scenario.
There are one or two things that took me a little while to really figure out, but it's pretty intuitive overall. It's a bit bland at the very beginning, but rewarding when you start leveling up, unlocking more skills, being able to afford more stuff, & gaining the confidence to explore more areas.
Verdict: I want this game. I am going to play the life out of this demo.
Bravely Default is a tactical turn-based rpg from Square Enix, for the Nintendo 3DS. It isn't even released yet, but the demo is turning heads.
The thing that Bravely Default wants to present to you as new & shiny is the 'brave' & 'default' elements of the battles. It's basically the ability to hold back a turn (or multiple) to do something more powerful later. It is pretty nifty. But not really life-altering. I don't need life-altering in a turn-based rpg though, they are my favorite. Also, I'm sure it'll be a more significant factor later in the game.
There's also a facet of rebuilding a town, which is pretty much just an add-on but I think it's a fascinating feature with a lot of potential. You can gather workers via Street Pass to help your projects go faster, or you can just plug away with the one lonely worker they grant you to begin. You can also use/help your friends in battle. So social! Much depth! Wow! It feels nice to me that they put a lot of attention into optional features.
The art & music are really beautiful. Allow me to be that girl for a moment: Not only is your team half male & half female, but any character can be any job, & all of the outfits are super cool without being overly sexualized. The ladies' most exaggerated features are their hips & thighs, which I think is so much fun. Everyone wears great hats & boots & has wacky hair-- it's definitely not one of those "here's a warrior, there's a ninja, oh look BOOBS that one is a girl" sort of scenario.
There are one or two things that took me a little while to really figure out, but it's pretty intuitive overall. It's a bit bland at the very beginning, but rewarding when you start leveling up, unlocking more skills, being able to afford more stuff, & gaining the confidence to explore more areas.
Verdict: I want this game. I am going to play the life out of this demo.
Thursday, January 09, 2014
13/14
Hi friends! Due to a clerical error, I find myself with time... & due to other things, I find myself not wanting to do much with aforementioned time. So I'm going to toss out some thoughts. Just for you.
2013 was a big year, for me & my husband. We went through a lot of things, some very personal that shall leave marks etched in our hearts for all time. But we grew a lot, & as we enter this new year that feels so very rewarding.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was to let go of my previous notions of how I needed to build relationships, & with whom. This was a banner year for working out what it means to be an introvert (& to embrace being an introvert), & part of that for me meant giving up on previous methods of dealing with people. I freakin' love people, & a major part of my entire mindset is that people & relationships with them are the most important thing there possibly is outside of one's own relationship with God. I still feel that way, but I've had to learn that I need to take care of myself before I can have healthy relationships. & I need to let situations be what they are, without forcing upon them any of my own ideas of How This Should Work. Actually, basically what I did what let go of control entirely. Poof. I pretty much declared myself on vacation from trying to deepen relationships &/or make them happen. I decided to try to just enjoy social interactions & be comfortable, instead of trying to fix things & stressing myself out. & you know what happened? I made new friends. Like, actual new friends, whom I can text, invite to my house, that sort of thing. I also found lots of development happening with friendships I'd had that had been at the same level for a while. CRAZY, RIGHT? So yeah, it's been awesome. I'm more rested, more myself, & in fact more connected with more people.
I think many of us struggle with a skewed vision of how friendships happen & why & so forth. Everyone I've talked to about the topic has admitted to having a lot of disappointments & hurts. I think it's a little bit funny when I come across things on the internet that say those things like Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations about Hair/Men/Wildlife/Australia/whatevs, because really I think Friendships should be the one leading the pack. But anyway. It's nice to finally feel like I'm moving in a right direction.
As I try to be more awake, I realize that perhaps this post might come across as selfish? Like, "I can't be bothered to work at friendships, I'm too busy taking care of MEEEEEE"? But that's not what I mean, I promise. I just mean finding a better balance. Forgive my fussy brain.
2013 was a big year, for me & my husband. We went through a lot of things, some very personal that shall leave marks etched in our hearts for all time. But we grew a lot, & as we enter this new year that feels so very rewarding.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was to let go of my previous notions of how I needed to build relationships, & with whom. This was a banner year for working out what it means to be an introvert (& to embrace being an introvert), & part of that for me meant giving up on previous methods of dealing with people. I freakin' love people, & a major part of my entire mindset is that people & relationships with them are the most important thing there possibly is outside of one's own relationship with God. I still feel that way, but I've had to learn that I need to take care of myself before I can have healthy relationships. & I need to let situations be what they are, without forcing upon them any of my own ideas of How This Should Work. Actually, basically what I did what let go of control entirely. Poof. I pretty much declared myself on vacation from trying to deepen relationships &/or make them happen. I decided to try to just enjoy social interactions & be comfortable, instead of trying to fix things & stressing myself out. & you know what happened? I made new friends. Like, actual new friends, whom I can text, invite to my house, that sort of thing. I also found lots of development happening with friendships I'd had that had been at the same level for a while. CRAZY, RIGHT? So yeah, it's been awesome. I'm more rested, more myself, & in fact more connected with more people.
I think many of us struggle with a skewed vision of how friendships happen & why & so forth. Everyone I've talked to about the topic has admitted to having a lot of disappointments & hurts. I think it's a little bit funny when I come across things on the internet that say those things like Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations about Hair/Men/Wildlife/Australia/whatevs, because really I think Friendships should be the one leading the pack. But anyway. It's nice to finally feel like I'm moving in a right direction.
As I try to be more awake, I realize that perhaps this post might come across as selfish? Like, "I can't be bothered to work at friendships, I'm too busy taking care of MEEEEEE"? But that's not what I mean, I promise. I just mean finding a better balance. Forgive my fussy brain.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Books I Read in 2013
I like Goodreads for keeping track of my lists. List of books to read, & list of books that I have read. & I can easily sort them in different ways. Mmmmmm. Lists & sorting.
This is the first year that I really kept a To Read list & worked on reading things from it, so I thought I'd share the pages I went through this year. In chronological order. Not counting books I had already read previously.
-------
1. Red Prophet (Tales of Alvin Maker, #2)
2. The Folk of the Fringe
3. Prentice Alvin (Tales of Alvin Maker, #3)
4. Eragon (The Inheritance Cycle, #1)
5. Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
6. Alvin Journeyman (Tales of Alvin Maker, #4)
7. The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength
8. Heartfire (Tales of Alvin Maker, #5)
9. The Crystal City (Tales of Alvin Maker, #6)
10. Lost Boys
11. Treasure Box
12. The Worthing Saga (Worthing, #1-3)
13. The Giver (The Giver Quartet, #1)
14. No Country for Old Men
15. Five Children and It (Five Children, #1)
16. Around the World in Eighty Days
17. Anna and the King of Siam
18. Fairest
19. Spock Must Die! (Star Trek Adventures, #1)
20. Earth Afire (The First Formic War, #2)
21. Hot Sleep (Worthing, #2)
22. Battle Royale
23. Stargate SG-1: Dialing up. The Official Guide to Season 1-5
24. Jesus Without Religion: What Did He Say? What Did He Do? What's the Point?
25. A Year of Biblical Womanhood
26. We
27. With the Light: Raising an Autistic Child (With the Light, #7)
28. With the Light: Raising an Autistic Child (With the Light, #8)
29. Sherlock Holmes: Misteri Yang Tak Terpecahkan (A Slight Trick of the Mind)
30. True Grit
31. Instant Mom
32. The Pastor: A Memoir
33. Thus Spoke Zarathustra
34. The Pulse
35. I am currently reading: Glass, Paper, Beans: Revelations on the Nature and Value of Ordinary Things
-------
Not bad, I think! You can see that this is the year that I tried reading Orson Scott Card books besides Enderverse stuff; I reeeaaally enjoy The Tales of Alvin Maker. I quit reading two books this year... I was bored to tears by the writing style of Eragon, & Thus Spoke Zarathustra got pretty redundant. I've also reached a point where I am currently bored of dystopias.
Goals for next year, reading-wise: read more non-fiction, more stuff I've compiled on my Nook HD, & more non-ACD Sherlock stuff. Maybe. ;-)
This is the first year that I really kept a To Read list & worked on reading things from it, so I thought I'd share the pages I went through this year. In chronological order. Not counting books I had already read previously.
-------
1. Red Prophet (Tales of Alvin Maker, #2)
2. The Folk of the Fringe
3. Prentice Alvin (Tales of Alvin Maker, #3)
4. Eragon (The Inheritance Cycle, #1)
5. Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
6. Alvin Journeyman (Tales of Alvin Maker, #4)
7. The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength
8. Heartfire (Tales of Alvin Maker, #5)
9. The Crystal City (Tales of Alvin Maker, #6)
10. Lost Boys
11. Treasure Box
12. The Worthing Saga (Worthing, #1-3)
13. The Giver (The Giver Quartet, #1)
14. No Country for Old Men
15. Five Children and It (Five Children, #1)
16. Around the World in Eighty Days
17. Anna and the King of Siam
18. Fairest
19. Spock Must Die! (Star Trek Adventures, #1)
20. Earth Afire (The First Formic War, #2)
21. Hot Sleep (Worthing, #2)
22. Battle Royale
23. Stargate SG-1: Dialing up. The Official Guide to Season 1-5
24. Jesus Without Religion: What Did He Say? What Did He Do? What's the Point?
25. A Year of Biblical Womanhood
26. We
27. With the Light: Raising an Autistic Child (With the Light, #7)
28. With the Light: Raising an Autistic Child (With the Light, #8)
29. Sherlock Holmes: Misteri Yang Tak Terpecahkan (A Slight Trick of the Mind)
30. True Grit
31. Instant Mom
32. The Pastor: A Memoir
33. Thus Spoke Zarathustra
34. The Pulse
35. I am currently reading: Glass, Paper, Beans: Revelations on the Nature and Value of Ordinary Things
-------
Not bad, I think! You can see that this is the year that I tried reading Orson Scott Card books besides Enderverse stuff; I reeeaaally enjoy The Tales of Alvin Maker. I quit reading two books this year... I was bored to tears by the writing style of Eragon, & Thus Spoke Zarathustra got pretty redundant. I've also reached a point where I am currently bored of dystopias.
Goals for next year, reading-wise: read more non-fiction, more stuff I've compiled on my Nook HD, & more non-ACD Sherlock stuff. Maybe. ;-)
Monday, December 09, 2013
Re: Being Task Focused
My husband thinks I should blog more about my personality & what is it like for me, so I figured I'd start with one of the aspects that I feel makes me seem least approachable.
The default state of my mind is analyzing/prioritizing what needs to be done. This is nice because it allows me to put logic into action-- for example, I figure out easily that I should eat lunch before I scrub the kitchen floor, so that I don't get hungry while the floor is wet. My brain is full of planning & consequences & results & contingency plans. (Honestly, not as much of that last. I don't deal as well with changes as I'd like.)
The point is, my brain works by establishing a plan & then following it. Even when I am taking time to relax, it is still part of a plan. I plan to work on typing this until I get hungry, then I shall eat lunch & work on chores. I plan to get x & y task done, so that I can unwind with fun thing z until event a. That is how everything happens for me.
You can tell how important something is to me by how much attention I pay to the details... which seems to come across in the opposite way, sadly. People think I'm being grumpy & ignoring them, when the reality is that I'm just trying to do what I feel is most important, usually because a person is important to me. It often happens that I show up to an event of some sort, & anyone who tries to greet me before I can get my coat off feels brushed off. I just want to get comfortable first, get my hands free, so I have more opportunity to give you my full attention.
No one looks at my degree of concentration & thinks "I really appreciate how seriously she is taking the task at hand". They just think "she must be mad at me".
This gets even worse when there are unanticipated changes. My brain tries to figure out why the changes are there, & how I can best continue to accomplish the task, & my face & tone of voice turn into CRAZY ANGRY WOMAN. I'm not actually crazy angry woman! I'm just trying to operate at optimal efficiency! I promise.
Another way that this aspect of me shows up is sometimes I seem nit-picky. I'll try to suggest a way that a thing could be done, or ask someone why they did a thing they way that they did, & it comes across as nagging or not trusting the person. In reality, I'm just trying to help & to understand. I'm not even necessarily trying to say that my way is the best way! I truly want to hear your opinions & thought process, because you matter to me. My interest in the situation is actually an interest in you, but it is so commonly misinterpreted. (My least favorite part of this is when people assume that I'm mad at my husband. I'm not mad at anyone, my husband understands, please don't make a snarky comment.) It's my way of trying to be involved, which I only bother to try to do when I like you.
Ways for you to work with this facet of how I am:
-Be patient. Let me finish the thing I'm doing before you assume how I feel. Maybe even offer to help me with the thing, if applicable.
-Explain changes in the plan as much as possible. Some people just roll with changes like they don't even exist, but I feel much better the more I know what's going on.
-Plan with me. If I don't seem to be able to engage with you at the moment, tell me that you'd like to talk with me before I leave, or whatever is applicable.
-Ask me straight up how I feel, if you're unsure. I'm always honest. (Even if I actually am mad at you, I will find a way to let you know what is bothering me.)
-Don't take it personally. The most important thing to me is people & my relationships with them, I just show it differently.
Ways for me to try to be 'better':
-I am trying to work on my tone of voice & facial expressions, so I won't seem so upset.
-Maybe I can be more open about communicating why I am so intent on whatever I'm doing, so people see that there is a reason for my determination.
-&/or I could more frequently use phrases like "give me five minutes please" (with a smile) or some such?
-I'm not sure how to become more accepting of change, but I can try to handle it better.
The default state of my mind is analyzing/prioritizing what needs to be done. This is nice because it allows me to put logic into action-- for example, I figure out easily that I should eat lunch before I scrub the kitchen floor, so that I don't get hungry while the floor is wet. My brain is full of planning & consequences & results & contingency plans. (Honestly, not as much of that last. I don't deal as well with changes as I'd like.)
The point is, my brain works by establishing a plan & then following it. Even when I am taking time to relax, it is still part of a plan. I plan to work on typing this until I get hungry, then I shall eat lunch & work on chores. I plan to get x & y task done, so that I can unwind with fun thing z until event a. That is how everything happens for me.
You can tell how important something is to me by how much attention I pay to the details... which seems to come across in the opposite way, sadly. People think I'm being grumpy & ignoring them, when the reality is that I'm just trying to do what I feel is most important, usually because a person is important to me. It often happens that I show up to an event of some sort, & anyone who tries to greet me before I can get my coat off feels brushed off. I just want to get comfortable first, get my hands free, so I have more opportunity to give you my full attention.
No one looks at my degree of concentration & thinks "I really appreciate how seriously she is taking the task at hand". They just think "she must be mad at me".
This gets even worse when there are unanticipated changes. My brain tries to figure out why the changes are there, & how I can best continue to accomplish the task, & my face & tone of voice turn into CRAZY ANGRY WOMAN. I'm not actually crazy angry woman! I'm just trying to operate at optimal efficiency! I promise.
Another way that this aspect of me shows up is sometimes I seem nit-picky. I'll try to suggest a way that a thing could be done, or ask someone why they did a thing they way that they did, & it comes across as nagging or not trusting the person. In reality, I'm just trying to help & to understand. I'm not even necessarily trying to say that my way is the best way! I truly want to hear your opinions & thought process, because you matter to me. My interest in the situation is actually an interest in you, but it is so commonly misinterpreted. (My least favorite part of this is when people assume that I'm mad at my husband. I'm not mad at anyone, my husband understands, please don't make a snarky comment.) It's my way of trying to be involved, which I only bother to try to do when I like you.
Ways for you to work with this facet of how I am:
-Be patient. Let me finish the thing I'm doing before you assume how I feel. Maybe even offer to help me with the thing, if applicable.
-Explain changes in the plan as much as possible. Some people just roll with changes like they don't even exist, but I feel much better the more I know what's going on.
-Plan with me. If I don't seem to be able to engage with you at the moment, tell me that you'd like to talk with me before I leave, or whatever is applicable.
-Ask me straight up how I feel, if you're unsure. I'm always honest. (Even if I actually am mad at you, I will find a way to let you know what is bothering me.)
-Don't take it personally. The most important thing to me is people & my relationships with them, I just show it differently.
Ways for me to try to be 'better':
-I am trying to work on my tone of voice & facial expressions, so I won't seem so upset.
-Maybe I can be more open about communicating why I am so intent on whatever I'm doing, so people see that there is a reason for my determination.
-&/or I could more frequently use phrases like "give me five minutes please" (with a smile) or some such?
-I'm not sure how to become more accepting of change, but I can try to handle it better.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
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